Well! It depends...!

I love discussions. Even when they are pointless. To me, a discussion is a window to another person's psychy. How they react to my arguments gives an insight on their way of thinking and says a lot about the personality of the person. Having said that, lemme go back and rephrase my first sentence. I love logical discussions.
So this morning I was discussing something (making something out of nothing as usual :P) with one of my very good friends. However, whenever I would ask any question the reply was "Well! It depends". So if I ask "Well! Do you like to eat at McD". The answer would be : "Well! It depends".
"What do you mean?"
"It depends on whether I want to eat a burger or not"
And this went on for quite a while. However, as usual, it provoked a chain of thought in me. How people like to hide behind a veil. "It depends" is a universal truth. Everybody knows that whenever u say a Yes or No or any other abstract answer.. it "depends".

Does earth revolve around the sun? It depends. No really! Till 14th century people believed that Sun revolved around the earth. So whether u ask this question to a person born before 14th century or after. It depends.
Does sound move very fast? It depends. It's slower than light and lot of other stuff. But it's definitely faster than a normal car.
Can u see the sun today? It depends. How cloudy it is when you look out. Whether there is fog or not. It depends. It's kind of what Einstein's theory of Relativity tells us. "It's all about perspective". "Two events happening
simultaneously for one observer may not be simultaneous for another" As you see.. even this suffer from "It depends"
So is there anything that is independent in this world? I dunno. But it's really funny how a lot of people try to hide themselves behind "it depends". Oh wait! "It depends" on the kind of
person you are.. :P
Well I just get so exasperated when people can't think straight and simply say : Yes I like McD. Someday if u don't feel like eating
there it doesn't mean that u don't like it. That's different. I, for one, totally hate Subway, and yet have eaten there thrice and will probably go again if I don't have any other option.
Yes, the earth revolves around the sun.
Yes, the sound is very fast.
Yes, I can see the sun today.
And yes, the events are simultaneous or No, they are not; based on which observer I am. Of course it's about perspective.

But then again, I guess it's a part of escapism. And being an escapist myself I know about this trait too well. People who know me well enough know how weird theories I cook up and what weird examples I give mostly in order to prove myself right. I also think that I am a hypocrite. But if I say out loud that I am a hypocrite. Does it make me a hypocrite? If I pretend to be pretentious, am I really pretentious? It's all about conjuring words. Manipulating words into making them mean whatever u want.

And that reminds me another thought chain. "I do whatever I want" is the anthem of every generation atleast till they reach 40s. Breaking News people : It still puts u in the same category as everyone else. They do what they like too. The only difference may be means. If you want to buy a car and have the means, you do it. If you don't have the means you don't. But latter doesn't mean you're not doing what you want. The latter simply means that if it was within ur capability and recah you would've simply done it. People who grumble about their jobs and say I never wanted to do this. Hello!! U wanted the money with this job. No one is forcing you to do this. You want your family to have a good life. So you are doing all this for what you want. As per my knowledge, there is no proof of the existence of a mind control device till this date. So whatever you
are doing, it's because you want to. The reason may differ. So when you say "I do whatever I want and don't care about anyone else" It's fine. You're just like everyone else. You are no different than a robber who robs a house. He's doing what he wants and does not care whether people think it's right or not.

I also wanted to go on about what really makes you different and about effects of zodiac on personalities. But this is already getting very big. Maybe I'll do that later.

The Beginnings & The Endings

"Everything that has a beginning has an end Neo!", the Oracle says to Neo in The Matrix Revolutions. And this one sentence is going round and round in my mind for so long now. Why? you ask. Well, this one simple sentence has a lot of meanings and a lot to say and teach about life.
In few of my earlier blogs, I've outlined my questions regarding the futility of life. This one sentence seems to outline that, highlights it and then tries to answer some of the questions. So what am I thinking? Here's what :
The first and foremost meaning that comes across is the simple fact that nothing stays forever. Technology gets outdated and replaced. Colors fade, sounds dissipate, flowers wither. Materials wear out. People and animals die. Everything in this universe is created only in order to be destroyed. This is also the essence of many a holy scriptures in Hinduism and especially so of the Bhagvad Gita. Most of the ancient religions worshipped a trinity. In Hinduism it was Brahma, Vishnu & Mahesh. Creator, Preserver and Destroyer. Christianity has the Father, the son and the holy spirit. Greeks had Zeus, Poseidon and Hades. Norse had Odin, Thor and Hel. Egyptians had : Ra, Isis and Osiris. Ever wondered why? Because on a timeline everything can be divided into three parts: Before existence, Existence and After Destruction. In other words.. Birth, Life & Death. or in the above context: Beginning, Continuation & an End.
Also, all the religions agree that the trinity is not actually trinity but one power that's above everything else and the trinity in itself and as a whole represents that power. What is that power? Or what is it referring to. Maybe it refers to the complete cycle of Beginning to End. Maybe it refers to what's driving the cycle.
Anyways.. so now that we've established that everything will come to an end someday or other. Isn't whatever u do futile on a larger scale. for eg. Whether I eat meat or become a vegetarian.. how does it affect anything? The earth will still go around the sun.Whether I have a job or not impacts only my life and to some extent of my dependents. Whether Coca Cola increases it's revenue from $35 bn or goes in loss this year. After about a hundred or thousand years nothing will matter. And similarly larger events will still fade from the minds over a large enough period of time. So why are we doing whatever we are doing?

Well.. I've argued enough on one meaning for now.. And am feeling sleepy.. Hopefully I'll write more as I still haven't started on the futility and yet necessity of human relations.

Love

Once upon a time I used to consider myself a Love Guru and used to advise people on that matter. Suddenly these days I feel lost. Actually, now that I think of it's not just these days. I should say these months of an year. Esp. September. I know its the month of fall. But what does that have to do with my emotional state. I can remember from as far back as my college days. September used to be the month when I used to feel very lonely. When I used to crave someone's company. Someone's attention. Is there a relation between the month and my emotional state? Is my belief in the astrology well - placed? I don't know anymore.
Anyways, I did not come here today to write about astrological impacts. However, I wanted to pen down my confusion over love. It's started to baffle me. Earlier I used to be sure of my bearings. I used to be sure about who I like and who I don't. It was a simple matter of what I thought. But it doesn't seem the same anymore. Once I was asked : If you would want to define love in one word.. what would it be? And I replied : Alien.
My explanation to this was that Love is an alien feeling. You have no idea what it feels like till you see it. You have no idea what to do with it. And when you are in love you feel out of the world.
It still seems alien to me. But it's somehow become all the more confusing to me. So what exactly is love. If I like someone to the point that I want to spend most of my time with them. Is it love? But then again I like spending time with my friends too. So what's the difference?
If I feel like sharing everything I have with someone is it love? But isn't that just philanthropic.
If someone is in my mind all the time throughout the day. Is it love? Isn't that just infatuation.
I can have so many examples and so many other words. Admiration. Obsession. Liking. This wordplay is confusing me.
I still remember the first time I thought I am in love. I was told that it was just infatuation. And yet I distinctly remember all the madness that came with it.
So I guess I come again to the same questions again and again. What is love? How do you know when you are in love? And how do you know if the other person is in love too?
It's just baffling. Bordering on madness. And then people ask me why everything looks like madness, insanity to me. It's because everything is so baffling to me. Why can't things be simple. Why does everything has to be made an issue of.

Insanity - III

Ever had a feeling of "What am I doing here?". Mostly its the feeling that you get when you get an invite to a meeting which has no concern to you or what you do. Or sometimes when one of your friends has to go out with his girlfriend and drags you along coz he needs company on the way.
These are one off scenarios and I believe common enough that everyone may have experienced.
But ever had the same feeling in general? As in wherever you are. Ever felt what am I doing here?
Ever tried to broaden the scope of "here".
There's this funny nonsense we used to do. In this one person asks questions and the other answers and it goes something like this:
I need water.
It's in the Pitcher
Where's the pitcher. It's in the room
Where's the room. It's in the school
Where's the school. It's in Sector 13
Where's Sec 13. It's in Hisar
Where's Hisar. It's in Haryana
Where's Haryana. It's in India
Where's India. It's in Asia
Where's Asia. In the world
Where's the world? In the water(as everything is surrounded by oceans)

It was silly I know.. But it was fun to see the conversation returning to the same point again and again.
However my point is not the silliness. I wanted to point out how the scope of here is broadened in each step. We are actually referring the water in the pitcher at all times but the scope is widened with each step.
So have u ever felt "What am I doing here?" on a wider scope. I do so a lot.
When I was in Mumbai. I used to question "What am I doing in Mumbai?" Sometime it would be What am I doing in TCS. But based on my tendency to swell the scope everywhere. Each question would soon become What am I doing in this world/universe. And where is here?
Here on a macroscopic level is a minuscule point in the pattern of time and space. So is it for some purpose that my dot coincides with the dot of here at that moment. Or is it just randomness playing with my dot. And similar dots of millions of other people. Is it random that two people who dont know each other earlier, meet in college and fall in love within a short period of time. Is "Love at first sight" a random feature. Or is it purposeful. Was Bill Gates specifically chosen among the babies to grow up and become one of the richest persons in the world. Or was he the target of randomness. Or was it not decided until that specific moment.
People dont tend to fall in love with everyone who surround them. But with a specific person. So is the couple destined or is it a play of randomness. Probability. All these questions storm through my mind. And I have no idea about any of them. I wonder if normal people have such questions. If yes then how do they deal with them. If no then why not. How can they go on in life with so much things that are blanked out in the mind. With so much understanding still lost out somewhere. Ready to be discovered. How? Why? What? That's all I think these days.....

Insanity - II

I believe so many voices - so many thoughts - so many illusions - lucid visions come to me because of books. I have read so many books and still keep on reading that they all make a mess in my brain and cause me to think differently... I guess.
Lot of times I am not so sure whether something I did was in my dreams or in the real world. Or maybe in the world in my brain. Pisceans are actually well known for creating a separate world from their thoughts and living in it. So Am I just another dreamy piscean? But then why do I sometimes feel so lonely? Why do I pine for someone who would be with me at every step?
I was in my second year of college when I first saw the movie - The One - starring Jet Li. The movie had a huge impact on me. Then in my final year I started reading The Wheel Of Time series by Robert Jordan which as per me is one of the best fantasy ever written. It's a class in itself. The movie and the series has one concept in common. The common concept is that of alternate worlds. Of alternate lives. Of different choices that you make. Both are handled differently in the book and movie. But when I think I feel that both are incomplete without the other. I feel that both are fantasy unto themselves. Which is why I propose a merge for the two to myself.
As per the movie - in each alternate universe there is a person that's you. In some it is an expert cook. In some its an expert athlete. In some it may be a beggar. And again in some it may be an assassin. It can be anything and is everything. Here's the connection I make. I believe that knowledge is already inherently stored in our brain and our life is a process of not learning but discovering the knowledge within. When we say we learnt something knew, we actually have discovered something. But have you ever felt that the outcome of something that you are trying for the first time is way beyond your expectations. It may come under any natural/unnatural circumstances. eg. If you go into kitchen and try to prepare a dish for the first time and it urns out to be too good, where did u get the skill from? If u r being chased by a dog and u manage to outrun it where did you get the stamina from? If u start painting/sketching and create a really good image, again where did u get the skill from? All this time I'm talking about part time things we do. Not the things we do professionally.
So my explanation to this phenomenon is that u derive the skill to cook from the "you" in the other dimension who is actually a cook and knows everything well. But that day when u borrowed his skill for just one small moment. The dish he was preparing does not turn out to be good. A one off incident in his life. And that is how u maintain a constant level of skill, stamina, energy, dexterity etc in the entire multitude of universes. Same goes when you outran something. Or suddenly found courage in the face of danger.
But unlike the movie I believe that it is not possible to physically touch the other universes. This part of my theory I pick up from The Wheel Of Time. And my probability theory. One of the mostly debated theological topic is the existence of God. Lot of times people ask me if I believe in God or not. But well.. that may be a topic for another day. So I believe that probability is the law in this world. What choice you make, what will you eat today, whether you would have an accident or not. Everything is ruled by probability. Your actions and probability go hand in hand. Probability for something happening changes with the amount of effort you make towards that. But still probability always has a say in your choices. So my theory is that everytime you make a choice a new universe is created with the other choice. And the strength of the universe is dependent on how strong the probability of that choice was.
There's a famous saying... A man is what he chooses to be. And I believe that to be true. I can look back at my life and see how each choice would have impacted me. I cannot see what would have been the consequences if I would have made another choice. That knowledge is hidden from me and that's for good so that I wouldn't lament. But I do understand that different choices would not have led me here, where I am sitting and writing this blog. When I now look back I see how each choice I made has contributed to me being me. How some of my friends are the result of choices I made years before I even met them.
I believe I am rambling again.. I'll leave it here and continue in my next blog maybe...

Insanity

I am an escapist. I guess... That is probably one of the reasons I am able to find loopholes or counter arguments everywhere and so quickly. Even if they are weird.
So this actually comes from something that happened last Thursday. I was having a lunch with a couple of teammates and as usual a topic came where we started debating things. Now, something that I know about myself is that for most of the topics I can argue from any side. For or Against. So the argument was actually on whether human brain is mapped differently in different individuals or not. And I was arguing against it even when I don't believe that every human carries the same brain. There are examples galore of this phenomenon and most common is autistic people. However this is not a blog about that topic. Rather this is something I have been thinking a lot lately.
Lot of times, I question myself. I question whether I am still sane. And as soon as I start trudging down this track it grows deeper and deeper into a vortex. I still havent found an answer. Maybe I am after all an insane person.
So mostly the question comes after I do something and all that's left of it is a memory. So for eg. I just no returned from an awesome trip to NY. During the return trip I was reading a book on the plane. So when I finally left the book and got hold of my bearing, everything I did in NY was a past memory. But so was the book. And so are a thousand other things. Some real. Some not. But everything having voices and pictures. Like a movie scene.
So I wonder, when people think, do they hear themselves think? But thoughts should not be sound. So why does it feel the same like hearing voices. If no one else does and its only me... Am I not insane?
I wonder that, how, when I read a book I am so immersed into it that I see everything actually happening in front of my eyes. So when I have just read something how is that text converted into pictures that I have actually never seen?? Same goes for dreams. Why do I see something that's not actually there? Am I insane?
It doesn't stop there. A voice pumping ideas and weird theory in my mind. All complete with sound logic. Why do I hear those? Is that again my thoughts.
And why is it that only I think about such things. Why not others?
Why do I always chose the path that has less traffic/crowd?
Why do I tend to behave in a way unusual as compared to others.
And mainly why do I have such extreme moods and swings?
There are so many whys that need answering. So many things still to be discovered. So many things to know about.
Well, am suddenly feeling sleepy. Will continue in next blog maybe.

Memory

And here comes the next in series of my weird theories. So I had just started watching this movie called "Sorority Wars" and within the first five minutes I started thinking. A scene sequence shows the mom of the female lead reminiscing on the stage about her time in the college. Which made me think about how we store memories and recollect them. Being a software engineer I of course looked upto my IT vocab to explain the phenomenon.
So we say that brain stores memories, facts and directs the actions etc. I would call the brain a CPU and maybe in a later blog entry go on about it in more detail but right now just wanted to talk about the memories part. So i started wondering how do we reminisce. We reminisce when we see something. Even if we were not looking for those memories they come back flooding. Objectifying this I would think in database terms that if u are looking for some data a lot of other data that was not needed comes flooding. And with that comes more data and more and more until you just cant handle that much or give attention to something else. This is what we call the train of thought. In IT terms it seems to be a query that continuously runs on the params it finds till it has the CPUs attention. The only way to stop the flood of data is to divert the CPUs attention.
Now as per one of my great teachers', A mind is like a filing cabinet.. Each memory is like a file and if you have too many files the cabinet starts getting cluttered.
When I think the same in IT terms it's like a huge relational database. Rather something like an object oriented relational database. You have objects and you have properties. Objects can be anything or anyone. A person, a picture, a car, a location everything is an object as well as a property. So if you are thinking about a person, all the properties related to the object get loaded into your mind. Birthdate, locations where you met, common persons you know which infact leads you to a memory of the person. Now the memory can either be the latest or it could be the one with the most hits(something which we call "etched in our memory"). With the memory comes more attributes and hence the train of thought continues.
It's something like some of the music sites now offer. You like something and it will look up the genre, artist, album etc and then recommend other songs with similar properties. Similar is the memory structure. Just many times bigger and many times more complex. I don't know what my point of writing the blog was. Just that I thought something and so I put it down. :)