Madness!!??

It was still drizzling. What was it - third consecutive day? The wind also carried a chill now. I was standing in the street. My android was buzzing beside me. It was losing fuel and wouldn't be able to go on for long. Maybe an hour or two. We both knew that. 
There was only one place I could repair it - "The Shrine of Wishes". It was the most coveted and most dangerous place in the broken world now. The thought prompted me to look across the street at the broken, hanging parts of the building in front of me. It had broken off in the gunfire earlier this morning and was now looming over the street, swinging in the wind and threatening to drop over someone passing through the street. That was when my android received some damage too.
NO, I'll have to get it repaired. No matter what the cost. No matter how much dangerous it is. The android was the last companion I had. Infact it was the only companion I remembered. My parents were long gone.. my friends were scattered and had lost contact since what now felt ages ago. I'll have to save it.
With that thought, I moved. The android, as if reading my mind, buzzed along. That's what I didn't want to lose. Over the years, I had developed a connection. It would buzz and beep as if to talk to me, and I would respond back. People thought I was mad. Maybe I was. But I understood what it meant to say with the buzzes and beeps. And it understood me, was my constant companion in whatever I was going through. 
The Shrine of Wishes was now controlled by a family who provided entertainment to people all over the world at the expense of desperate people who wanted to get to The Shrine of Wishes. Desperate people like me. They had built a maze around the shop. Not with hedges, but barbed wires. Some parts of the fence were electrified. There were traps that were installed to make it more tricky. Sticky traps, that if stepped on, would glue you to the floor and unless you pay handsomely for the rescue, you could be trapped there until you die of hunger. Exploding traps, blowing people to smithereens whenever someone stepped on them. That made sure, only the desperate would venture into the maze.
Well, desperate or lucky. There were some stories of people being escorted into the maze by The Princess. The Princess was a legendary figure. Younger daughter of the family, beautiful beyond dreams, she grew up in the shadows of the maze and knew every step of the maze like the back of her hand. She was said to be wild, with a heart of her own. She defied the family when she wanted. And killed for them as per her whims. I had seen her once. A flitting glance she gave me. I believe that was the day I lost my heart.
I could now see the gate. And my android was still buzzing. But I could feel that it was about to give up. It needed more fuel to make it to The Shrine of Wishes at the center of the maze. Where would I get it? I had no money. The android read my mind again and moved towards the gate as if to usher me in. The guards saw me coming. A poor young guy in tatters. One of them said something, and they all laughed. Probably, talking about how long I would last. The guard tower had fuel. Would they let me have some? Why would they? I had nothing to give them. I told the guards that I needed to go to The Shrine of Wishes. 
"For what? You wanna rule the world?". 
"No, I want to save my android". 
"Save your android!!! Foolish boy, you could buy a new one easily. Why do you want to risk your life for an android?". 
"I have to. I don't want another". 
"If you don't have the money to buy another, get a job, let this one die, and buy another later. Why waste your life for a stupid piece of junk?". 
"I just have to. Will you please open the gate?". 
"You know that we have to let in anyone who asks. We only wanted to help you, save your life".
"Well, if you want to help me, can you give me some fuel so that my android can make it The Shrine of Wishes?", I asked with a ray of hope. 
"We wanted to help you by saving you from death. If you are bent on venturing into the maze why do you want to waste our fuel? No, you are not getting anything. Now either go in or scram.. ", one of them shouted and I ran in.

As I turned the corner, I heard familiar beep. I looked at my android. It was carrying a vial of fuel. Enough to make it to "The Shrine of Wishes".
"Where'd you get that?"."From the guard tower?". "You snuck in grabbed it while I was talking to them". "Won't they miss it?". "What do you mean it's contaminated?". "You want me to filter it?".
I looked at the green fluid in the vial. I could see a dead mosquito floating in the syrupy liquid. So, that was why the guards had discarded. Even then, this was stealing. They would shoot me if they knew, with no regard for my life anymore. But I had to do it. I had to take out the mosquito, and plug the vial into my android so it could make it to The Shrine. I checked my pockets to see if i had something that i could use to pick the mosquito out. I found a pencil. I broke the seal with a stone i found lying on the ground. Apart from the sound of breaking glass, i heard something else. Someone shouting in the distance. Other voices followed. Had they found the missing vial? Were they going to come after me now? I wasn't very deep into the maze, so that wasn't going to deter them. I had to hurry. I quickly dipped the pencil, sharp end first into the liquid and tried to scoop the mosquito out. The pencil lead seemed bigger in the viscous fluid. Was it physics, playing trick on my mind or did the fuel just react to carbon. The sharp end had reached the mosquito. The voices were getting nearer. I tilted the pencil and jerked it. I got lucky and the mosquito was out of the liquid. I quickly gave the liquid another glance. It was clear now. No sign of any contamination. I plugged it in to my android and emptied it just as the shouts drew nearer and the first bullet struck the ground near my feet. I ran.
"Running in a maze full of traps. He's mad. Let's leave him be. He'll die anyways.", I heard someone shout behind me and the bullets stopped.
Of course, it was madness. What was I thinking. What if I stepped on a trap coz of how fast I was going. People here take a lot of time for each step, each turn. And yet I was flying.. Colored tiles whizzing by me. My android, buzzing and trying to keep up with me. A colored tile with something red on it came into my view. I was going to step on it. It was a trap. Something was taped on it. There was blood too. What else could it be. Oh God! was this the end. My end. Just a puff of smoke? Where else could I go. If I leapt I would be heading towards the fence. Was it electrified. What had I read about electricity. You can't be electrified if you don't touch a naked wire. What if instead of trying to leap over the fence, I leap on it. Would my shoes protect me. Better chance than the tile. And so, I leapt.
And with that leap, everything suddenly slowed down. I saw the maze in a new light. Every tile, every wire, every corner - made sense to me. The maze didn't take lives because of traps in it. It took lives because people were desperate. And because people feared the maze. Because they feared death. The traps were supposed to be scattered. But to me they made a pattern, in a way that no one could reach the Shrine if they followed the beat down path. I stepped over the wired fence - nothing happened. I was still alive. I jumped again. This time over another set of tiles. I leapt again, this time to take a shortcut over the wired fence.. towards the center.. towards The Shrine. And suddenly something whizzed by my ear and hit something behind me. I turned to see a guard dropping to the floor. A javelin stuck out of his heart. Was it meant for him or me. Why would someone want to save me here? I turned again to face whoever threw the javelin..  and froze.
"I was told you ventured into the maze, just for your android", The Princess said. She was balanced majestically over a wired post. As if she was in a ballroom.
"I was intrigued. Why would someone want to go to such lengths for such a petty thing. I wanted to see it for myself. And now I see that you are already breaking the rules of the maze. I want to see where you end up. Go on. I will follow you, though you will not get any help from me.", she continued.
I was still frozen. My heart beating two inches out of my chest. The heart that I had lost the day I first saw her. And now she was in front of me again. Actually talking to me. And she wanted to follow me. Her eyes fixated on me all the time. Her beautiful pearly eyes. I had all their attention. I felt as if I was the luckiest man in the world. I wasn't dead yet. And was being watched by The Princess herself.
"Abhi..". "Abhi..", Suddenly I heard a voice. I knew that name.. Was it mine? But the voice wasn't of this world. Who was it calling. I turned..
And woke up to see my friend calling me to ask where had I kept the keys of the house.

Rules!

Long time since I wrote my last blog entry. Probably because I didn't have a lot of alone time.. and whatever I had I whiled it away. Nyways, so this weekend (and I can't believe I'm saying that on Saturday) I had a lot of alone time. Not sure how. But even after playing Diablo, watching Numb3rs, eating and sleeping.. I found myself thinking. That's not new.. But what I'm about to write probably is. So two completely unrelated thoughts went on in my mind...
One; While eating a chocolate chip cupcake : was the common thought about how things lose their value if they are more easily available. Which led me to think that someone in need actually has more reasons to be happy than someone for whom everything is available. Which led me to think that maybe it's inherently human nature to actually find reasons to complain.. to find reasons to feel sad.. Happiness/Satisfaction is a fleeting feeling. Sadness/Irritability/Urge to complain about something are there to stay.. But this is not the thought I wanted to talk about in this entry
The second thought was more regarding my recently developing outlook on the world. I envision a world without boundaries. Any boundaries. Without discrimination. Without rules/laws/restrictions. However, the problem with being me is, that when I have a question/problem.. I also always have an answer/solution. Whether I want to tell/use the answer or not is a completely different question though. :P
So in this case, the question was how to make the world as per my vision. How can all the rules/laws/boundaries/restrictions be removed? Before I start on my chain of thinking about the answer lemme clear a few things up though.
Am I going to do anything about it? Nope. Too Lazy.
So what do I want to accomplish? Find a theoretical answer and be satisfied.
Do I want to change the world? Nope.
Do I want the world to change? Yup.
Do I think it's possible? No and Yes.
Do I know that to change the world I should be doing something about it? Yup.
Am I going to do it after this argument? Nope. Still too lazy.
So, now let's dive in. Question : How can the boundaries be removed?
So to get to the answer.. The first question to be asked is : Why are the boundaries there in the first place? What boundaries am I talking about? All.. Religion, Country, State, Skin Color, Location.
In the world I envision : No one should need a Visa to go to another country. Everything should be completely open to everyone. So why do we need Visas? To have a legal entry. Why is a legal entry needed? So that people don't flock to a country and a) Break the economy b) Harm it's citizens in any way. Can't the world be considered one country? Yes, it can and it should.
And that's where the question took an ugly U turn and I was staring at something I did not like. Ironically, the song playing in the background was "Anything but Ordinary" from "Avril Lavigne". I love it's lyrics. That song is a very good way to understand how I think actually. :P
Coming back to the point. Why are there different countries in the world today. Two reasons :
1. Population : I love the way how I can attribute every problem in this world to population. People. If there are less people there would be less problems. It's simple actually.
2. This is more of an abstract answer. When man was created (through amoeba or through God; I don't care) the world was not divided. Not true! Animals mark there territory too. Question is: why? Answer: Population.. :P They don't want anyone to steal their food/prey. Which brings us to the crux of the question. Why would someone want to steal something? Answer: Survival. And there it was staring me in the face.. A world without boundaries would be a world where everyone is fighting for survival. Rules/Laws/Restrictions/Boundaries are what actually make sure that our life goes on peacefully and we don't have to fight with each other for survival. With the rate that the population is growing; I still see that there would be a day when countries/people would have no choice but to be at war with each other. However for now we have a little bit of peace, security that while I'm typing this no one is planning to break into my house and kill me or steal my food. Because of the law of the land. Because of the rule that someone laid down ages ago that breaching the boundaries of someones territory means a declaration of war. Because humans as a society agreed that such breach should be dealt with punishment of the aggressor so that it deters others from trying the same thing.
So the adage that "Rules are meant to be broken" is actually a false statement. In fact, if you look at the history of mankind, every time someone breaks a rule, a new rule is created to make sure that the breach does not happen again.
Finally, do I know where I wanna go with this? Nope. Just putting down a thought process.

Well! It depends...!

I love discussions. Even when they are pointless. To me, a discussion is a window to another person's psychy. How they react to my arguments gives an insight on their way of thinking and says a lot about the personality of the person. Having said that, lemme go back and rephrase my first sentence. I love logical discussions.
So this morning I was discussing something (making something out of nothing as usual :P) with one of my very good friends. However, whenever I would ask any question the reply was "Well! It depends". So if I ask "Well! Do you like to eat at McD". The answer would be : "Well! It depends".
"What do you mean?"
"It depends on whether I want to eat a burger or not"
And this went on for quite a while. However, as usual, it provoked a chain of thought in me. How people like to hide behind a veil. "It depends" is a universal truth. Everybody knows that whenever u say a Yes or No or any other abstract answer.. it "depends".

Does earth revolve around the sun? It depends. No really! Till 14th century people believed that Sun revolved around the earth. So whether u ask this question to a person born before 14th century or after. It depends.
Does sound move very fast? It depends. It's slower than light and lot of other stuff. But it's definitely faster than a normal car.
Can u see the sun today? It depends. How cloudy it is when you look out. Whether there is fog or not. It depends. It's kind of what Einstein's theory of Relativity tells us. "It's all about perspective". "Two events happening
simultaneously for one observer may not be simultaneous for another" As you see.. even this suffer from "It depends"
So is there anything that is independent in this world? I dunno. But it's really funny how a lot of people try to hide themselves behind "it depends". Oh wait! "It depends" on the kind of
person you are.. :P
Well I just get so exasperated when people can't think straight and simply say : Yes I like McD. Someday if u don't feel like eating
there it doesn't mean that u don't like it. That's different. I, for one, totally hate Subway, and yet have eaten there thrice and will probably go again if I don't have any other option.
Yes, the earth revolves around the sun.
Yes, the sound is very fast.
Yes, I can see the sun today.
And yes, the events are simultaneous or No, they are not; based on which observer I am. Of course it's about perspective.

But then again, I guess it's a part of escapism. And being an escapist myself I know about this trait too well. People who know me well enough know how weird theories I cook up and what weird examples I give mostly in order to prove myself right. I also think that I am a hypocrite. But if I say out loud that I am a hypocrite. Does it make me a hypocrite? If I pretend to be pretentious, am I really pretentious? It's all about conjuring words. Manipulating words into making them mean whatever u want.

And that reminds me another thought chain. "I do whatever I want" is the anthem of every generation atleast till they reach 40s. Breaking News people : It still puts u in the same category as everyone else. They do what they like too. The only difference may be means. If you want to buy a car and have the means, you do it. If you don't have the means you don't. But latter doesn't mean you're not doing what you want. The latter simply means that if it was within ur capability and recah you would've simply done it. People who grumble about their jobs and say I never wanted to do this. Hello!! U wanted the money with this job. No one is forcing you to do this. You want your family to have a good life. So you are doing all this for what you want. As per my knowledge, there is no proof of the existence of a mind control device till this date. So whatever you
are doing, it's because you want to. The reason may differ. So when you say "I do whatever I want and don't care about anyone else" It's fine. You're just like everyone else. You are no different than a robber who robs a house. He's doing what he wants and does not care whether people think it's right or not.

I also wanted to go on about what really makes you different and about effects of zodiac on personalities. But this is already getting very big. Maybe I'll do that later.

The Beginnings & The Endings

"Everything that has a beginning has an end Neo!", the Oracle says to Neo in The Matrix Revolutions. And this one sentence is going round and round in my mind for so long now. Why? you ask. Well, this one simple sentence has a lot of meanings and a lot to say and teach about life.
In few of my earlier blogs, I've outlined my questions regarding the futility of life. This one sentence seems to outline that, highlights it and then tries to answer some of the questions. So what am I thinking? Here's what :
The first and foremost meaning that comes across is the simple fact that nothing stays forever. Technology gets outdated and replaced. Colors fade, sounds dissipate, flowers wither. Materials wear out. People and animals die. Everything in this universe is created only in order to be destroyed. This is also the essence of many a holy scriptures in Hinduism and especially so of the Bhagvad Gita. Most of the ancient religions worshipped a trinity. In Hinduism it was Brahma, Vishnu & Mahesh. Creator, Preserver and Destroyer. Christianity has the Father, the son and the holy spirit. Greeks had Zeus, Poseidon and Hades. Norse had Odin, Thor and Hel. Egyptians had : Ra, Isis and Osiris. Ever wondered why? Because on a timeline everything can be divided into three parts: Before existence, Existence and After Destruction. In other words.. Birth, Life & Death. or in the above context: Beginning, Continuation & an End.
Also, all the religions agree that the trinity is not actually trinity but one power that's above everything else and the trinity in itself and as a whole represents that power. What is that power? Or what is it referring to. Maybe it refers to the complete cycle of Beginning to End. Maybe it refers to what's driving the cycle.
Anyways.. so now that we've established that everything will come to an end someday or other. Isn't whatever u do futile on a larger scale. for eg. Whether I eat meat or become a vegetarian.. how does it affect anything? The earth will still go around the sun.Whether I have a job or not impacts only my life and to some extent of my dependents. Whether Coca Cola increases it's revenue from $35 bn or goes in loss this year. After about a hundred or thousand years nothing will matter. And similarly larger events will still fade from the minds over a large enough period of time. So why are we doing whatever we are doing?

Well.. I've argued enough on one meaning for now.. And am feeling sleepy.. Hopefully I'll write more as I still haven't started on the futility and yet necessity of human relations.

Love

Once upon a time I used to consider myself a Love Guru and used to advise people on that matter. Suddenly these days I feel lost. Actually, now that I think of it's not just these days. I should say these months of an year. Esp. September. I know its the month of fall. But what does that have to do with my emotional state. I can remember from as far back as my college days. September used to be the month when I used to feel very lonely. When I used to crave someone's company. Someone's attention. Is there a relation between the month and my emotional state? Is my belief in the astrology well - placed? I don't know anymore.
Anyways, I did not come here today to write about astrological impacts. However, I wanted to pen down my confusion over love. It's started to baffle me. Earlier I used to be sure of my bearings. I used to be sure about who I like and who I don't. It was a simple matter of what I thought. But it doesn't seem the same anymore. Once I was asked : If you would want to define love in one word.. what would it be? And I replied : Alien.
My explanation to this was that Love is an alien feeling. You have no idea what it feels like till you see it. You have no idea what to do with it. And when you are in love you feel out of the world.
It still seems alien to me. But it's somehow become all the more confusing to me. So what exactly is love. If I like someone to the point that I want to spend most of my time with them. Is it love? But then again I like spending time with my friends too. So what's the difference?
If I feel like sharing everything I have with someone is it love? But isn't that just philanthropic.
If someone is in my mind all the time throughout the day. Is it love? Isn't that just infatuation.
I can have so many examples and so many other words. Admiration. Obsession. Liking. This wordplay is confusing me.
I still remember the first time I thought I am in love. I was told that it was just infatuation. And yet I distinctly remember all the madness that came with it.
So I guess I come again to the same questions again and again. What is love? How do you know when you are in love? And how do you know if the other person is in love too?
It's just baffling. Bordering on madness. And then people ask me why everything looks like madness, insanity to me. It's because everything is so baffling to me. Why can't things be simple. Why does everything has to be made an issue of.

Insanity - III

Ever had a feeling of "What am I doing here?". Mostly its the feeling that you get when you get an invite to a meeting which has no concern to you or what you do. Or sometimes when one of your friends has to go out with his girlfriend and drags you along coz he needs company on the way.
These are one off scenarios and I believe common enough that everyone may have experienced.
But ever had the same feeling in general? As in wherever you are. Ever felt what am I doing here?
Ever tried to broaden the scope of "here".
There's this funny nonsense we used to do. In this one person asks questions and the other answers and it goes something like this:
I need water.
It's in the Pitcher
Where's the pitcher. It's in the room
Where's the room. It's in the school
Where's the school. It's in Sector 13
Where's Sec 13. It's in Hisar
Where's Hisar. It's in Haryana
Where's Haryana. It's in India
Where's India. It's in Asia
Where's Asia. In the world
Where's the world? In the water(as everything is surrounded by oceans)

It was silly I know.. But it was fun to see the conversation returning to the same point again and again.
However my point is not the silliness. I wanted to point out how the scope of here is broadened in each step. We are actually referring the water in the pitcher at all times but the scope is widened with each step.
So have u ever felt "What am I doing here?" on a wider scope. I do so a lot.
When I was in Mumbai. I used to question "What am I doing in Mumbai?" Sometime it would be What am I doing in TCS. But based on my tendency to swell the scope everywhere. Each question would soon become What am I doing in this world/universe. And where is here?
Here on a macroscopic level is a minuscule point in the pattern of time and space. So is it for some purpose that my dot coincides with the dot of here at that moment. Or is it just randomness playing with my dot. And similar dots of millions of other people. Is it random that two people who dont know each other earlier, meet in college and fall in love within a short period of time. Is "Love at first sight" a random feature. Or is it purposeful. Was Bill Gates specifically chosen among the babies to grow up and become one of the richest persons in the world. Or was he the target of randomness. Or was it not decided until that specific moment.
People dont tend to fall in love with everyone who surround them. But with a specific person. So is the couple destined or is it a play of randomness. Probability. All these questions storm through my mind. And I have no idea about any of them. I wonder if normal people have such questions. If yes then how do they deal with them. If no then why not. How can they go on in life with so much things that are blanked out in the mind. With so much understanding still lost out somewhere. Ready to be discovered. How? Why? What? That's all I think these days.....

Insanity - II

I believe so many voices - so many thoughts - so many illusions - lucid visions come to me because of books. I have read so many books and still keep on reading that they all make a mess in my brain and cause me to think differently... I guess.
Lot of times I am not so sure whether something I did was in my dreams or in the real world. Or maybe in the world in my brain. Pisceans are actually well known for creating a separate world from their thoughts and living in it. So Am I just another dreamy piscean? But then why do I sometimes feel so lonely? Why do I pine for someone who would be with me at every step?
I was in my second year of college when I first saw the movie - The One - starring Jet Li. The movie had a huge impact on me. Then in my final year I started reading The Wheel Of Time series by Robert Jordan which as per me is one of the best fantasy ever written. It's a class in itself. The movie and the series has one concept in common. The common concept is that of alternate worlds. Of alternate lives. Of different choices that you make. Both are handled differently in the book and movie. But when I think I feel that both are incomplete without the other. I feel that both are fantasy unto themselves. Which is why I propose a merge for the two to myself.
As per the movie - in each alternate universe there is a person that's you. In some it is an expert cook. In some its an expert athlete. In some it may be a beggar. And again in some it may be an assassin. It can be anything and is everything. Here's the connection I make. I believe that knowledge is already inherently stored in our brain and our life is a process of not learning but discovering the knowledge within. When we say we learnt something knew, we actually have discovered something. But have you ever felt that the outcome of something that you are trying for the first time is way beyond your expectations. It may come under any natural/unnatural circumstances. eg. If you go into kitchen and try to prepare a dish for the first time and it urns out to be too good, where did u get the skill from? If u r being chased by a dog and u manage to outrun it where did you get the stamina from? If u start painting/sketching and create a really good image, again where did u get the skill from? All this time I'm talking about part time things we do. Not the things we do professionally.
So my explanation to this phenomenon is that u derive the skill to cook from the "you" in the other dimension who is actually a cook and knows everything well. But that day when u borrowed his skill for just one small moment. The dish he was preparing does not turn out to be good. A one off incident in his life. And that is how u maintain a constant level of skill, stamina, energy, dexterity etc in the entire multitude of universes. Same goes when you outran something. Or suddenly found courage in the face of danger.
But unlike the movie I believe that it is not possible to physically touch the other universes. This part of my theory I pick up from The Wheel Of Time. And my probability theory. One of the mostly debated theological topic is the existence of God. Lot of times people ask me if I believe in God or not. But well.. that may be a topic for another day. So I believe that probability is the law in this world. What choice you make, what will you eat today, whether you would have an accident or not. Everything is ruled by probability. Your actions and probability go hand in hand. Probability for something happening changes with the amount of effort you make towards that. But still probability always has a say in your choices. So my theory is that everytime you make a choice a new universe is created with the other choice. And the strength of the universe is dependent on how strong the probability of that choice was.
There's a famous saying... A man is what he chooses to be. And I believe that to be true. I can look back at my life and see how each choice would have impacted me. I cannot see what would have been the consequences if I would have made another choice. That knowledge is hidden from me and that's for good so that I wouldn't lament. But I do understand that different choices would not have led me here, where I am sitting and writing this blog. When I now look back I see how each choice I made has contributed to me being me. How some of my friends are the result of choices I made years before I even met them.
I believe I am rambling again.. I'll leave it here and continue in my next blog maybe...