Love thyself

 How important is loving oneself? Narcissism is considered a mental disorder. And the common consensus is that one needs to look at themselves critically to identify the areas of improvement and get better. But when that criticism of self starts eroding one's self-confidence, is it still the path to improvement, or should one take a step back, reflect, and learn to love oneself along with critical analysis of one's actions?

As with most of my recent blogs, this stems from a song I've rediscovered recently. "I'm the best" from the Hindi movie Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani.. It's a song sung by the protagonist and throughout the whole song simply points how the protagonist is the best at everything they do and nobody's better.

I tend to be very critical of myself. I've previously stated that the bar I set for myself is usually much higher than what the others set. That means that in my own opinion, I very rarely am performing even up to the mark. This leads to a lot of insecurities that have developed unconsciously over the years, and I reminisce back to the times when my self-confidence was so high that I never let anyone else impact what I thought was correct. I was called arrogant with a need to be right all the time. But that is who I am. That is who I would like to be. And not without reason - I do tend to put a lot of effort into learning and doing. I still don't think I'm the best at everything I do, but I think with this song playing in my head, I can say I'm better than most at most.

I do not do that for the applause or recognition. At least, I would like to think that I don't. However, in being self-critical, I noticed that I pull myself down a lot, and if others around me are also doing the same, I lose confidence in my ideas and thoughts that actually make me different. All my life, having tried to be different than others, that's counterintuitive and counterproductive. 

One feedback I received last year from my coach was that I need to start appreciating myself as well instead of just being self-reductive. And that's where this song comes in. Weirdly, while I don't agree with the self-pandering in the song, it is very comforting to hear that I'm the best coz that's what we all strive for. Don't we?

So, I would say, be critical of yourself, but love thyself as well. Self confidence is the cornerstone of your individuality. Let it shine as long as it does not come in the way of others. Be a narcissist as long as it enables you to move forward and doesn't hold you back.

EMBA Chronicles - Ep 2

 So, another month of classes, another round of last moment class cancellations, switching class timings and the stuff that we are normalized to. A few issues still stand out, however. 

Two months ago, the Academic Affairs Office decided to change the names for some of us to match the name on the “last academic document based on which our admission into IITR was finalized.”

“ Really? That’s an issue?”, you’d think, “Name’s a name”

For a few of us, our names were different on those documents for various reasons. Some female colleagues got married and took on their husband’s last name. For others it was a logistics issue with their previous institution. For me, when I entered in 2003, the system in my institution had a character limit. Due to that they were unable to enter my full name and left my last name out - Yes, my name is that long.

Now, however, all of my govt. issued IDs, recent course certificates contain my last name.

So, I conveyed to the AAO the reason why my full name does not show on my 16+ years old degree, providing them a copy of my passport, my Aadhaar card, secondary and high school marksheets all of which contain my full name. I also provided more recent Coursera certificates - the same platform that IITR is using to market this EMBA degree - but to no avail. There would be only one they would refer to - the one with the missing last name. 

I’m amazed at the logic of this. IITR - a government institution - refuses to recognize government issued IDs rather putting faith in the one and only document that does not have my full name. No alternatives accepted. No alternatives provided.

So, I wrote to a few people I believed were in leadership positions and received an assurance that the matter will be looked into.

Two months later, the seats have changed occupants. And, on following up, I’m being told to go directly to AAO. The same department that I’m trying to ask for help with.

Effectively, as I understand, this is called “passing the buck” or “not my responsibility”. 

Two months ago, another thing happened. The only non-Indian student from our batch, got tired of the admin mess and left the batch. But of course, things happen, that isn’t really a reason for IITR to learn and sort things out. Is it? Or the 50% drop out rate from batch 1. Or the 5 other people from our batch that have dropped since the start of program.

The classes have been amazing, on the other hand. Lots of discussions, new things to learn. There has been a tinge of cultural difference that I have noticed in the approaches suggested to various problems, but that is something I expect and can transfer to my workplace. Things in my work that I used to gloss over - I notice them now. So the learning journey has truly started and I believe in the added value of the knowledge the professors are able to impart. 

So if the professors know what works and how to get an organization to work smoothly, implement projects successfully, why is there such a mess?

In my opinion, it’s a a combination of a few factors. IITR is a government organization. And government appointments come with tenure, security of job, pressure of a lot of work, and the ability to pass the work to someone else. There’s little accountability except to the few people that are going to evaluate. There’s little transparency. Because I said so - can be a real policy. Then there’s ego - both the driving factor and the nemesis of Indian management. It’s an amazing tool for personal growth. It’s also something that can completely hamper team work and block organizations from growing and moving forward. It is such a blocker for collaboration & cooperation. I was once told that everybody who is excellent at something is arrogant in some capacity. And I agree, arrogance can form the core for your confidence. However, you cannot let it come in between you and the greater good. Put two arrogant egotistical people on two sides of a topic and you will see them reach an impasse in no time.

One of the reasons I like Schneider Electric, is the core value of Act Like Owners. It is very close to my heart. I believe that all of us give our best and try our best when we feel like we actually own something. I will put a lot more effort and focus to fix a house that I own than what my neighbor does. Ownership is what drives change. If I don’t care for something or don’t own it, why would I feel the urge to do anything with it? This is something we have studied in the EMBA classes as well. However, it is completely missing in the way everything is organized and managed. There are a few people that keep trying on the behalf of the students. And there are a lot more people that keep ignoring or refuting them. Endless cycle of chaos and churn which eventually results in a low Say/Do ratio on the part of IITR.

Then there’s issue of Mettl. The Mercer platform that allows you to take exams remotely, captures video and raises flags if it detects head movements, or clicking outside of the browser window. Again, a choice made by IITR to conduct exams. Limitations of the platform aside - it’s the trust on Mettl and how professors are trying to use it that surprises me. Once again, there are some that understand how it works, craft the exams in such a way that they utilize the various features Mettl provides. And then there are others who take it and try to adapt the platform to what they are comfortable with. 

Making an analogy - I have a need to go somewhere, I have a tool - a car, that I can use to go there, but I have just never driven one. Till I got the car, I was just driving horse carts. So I would either find a driver to drive me, or I would learn to drive if I have enough time. 

Alternately, I could rip the top off the car to let fresh air pass through when I’m in the car. I can add 4 horses in front of the car to pull it. This also will accomplish my travel need and keep me in my comfort bubble. I don’t need a driver and I don’t need to learn a new skill. And I can still use the shiny new car and show that I’m taking advantage of the tool I’ve been given.

Everyone is entitled to their choice but at times, I’m just astounded when people go with an option that looks like the latter. I mean just because it’s an option doesn’t mean you should go for it.

Anyways, long post today. I brought the car for maintenance, and it’s ready now. Until later, as I’m sure there will be more.

My EMBA Chronicles - Ep 1

So, a few months ago, I decided to pursue an E-MBA degree. After research and consideration, I stumbled upon an option to do so from DoMS IIT Roorkee. IITR is a famous institution for its technical UG programs. I made an assumption that being one of the premier institutes, DoMS would be leading the charge and help me learn concepts that I could apply to my job. So, I applied, and three months ago, I was accepted into their Executive MBA program.

Little did I know what I was getting into and what would follow.

This series, stemming from advice from a friend, will be the documentation of my journey.

The initiation of Term 1 was marked with typical Admin issues - communication delays, uncertainty of next steps - that made me feel as if nothing had changed since I graduated in 2007, and government institutions were still being run the same way.

Once the admin issues were sorted, it was a whirlwind of classes, lectures, and assignments for 7 courses in less than 7 weeks. Typical IITR pressure, I thought. It's gonna help me by making me able to do more. After all, pressure is what converts a lump of coal into a diamond.

Little things still bugged me, like the fact that assignments for all 7 subjects weren't shared until we asked when only 3 more weeks to exams were left. But the speed at which everything came at us did not let me step back and think.

Some professors understood what the program was about and tailored their content and exams to suit the audience and the program. And then there were relics, who, in the era of ChatGPT, asked us to send hand-written assignments and, when submitted, told us that we had made blunders. Blunders so big that if we were to present that to our boss, we would be fired. I wanted to assure them that if we submitted the report they wanted from us, 7-8 pages of hand-written notes to answer a question, I would have a higher chance of getting fired for not understanding my audience rather than for providing a clear and concise answer where they can always ask for more details.

Then the exams happened. 

After everything was done, I knew I could've done better. But I was happy with what I was able to do.

There's a lot more to write, and every day, IIT-R gives me more content to write about. For now, I'm gonna stop here. Stay tuned for Ep 2.

Perceptions & Facades

 I've written about perceptions earlier. At the time focusing on how society's perceptions impact how it moves together and builds the moral & ethical code of the time.

Today it's slightly different. I recently saw parts of a hindi movie where the protagonist had created facades around himself building a perception that he was this amazing person who could do no wrong while he himself did not think so. He knew that the view everyone around him had was because of what he shows them - his image and hence was very protective of it.

If you think about it, all of us do this everyday, and do not give it a second thought. Our speech is littered with phrases like putting the game face on, putting a brave face, poker face. Each has it's own scenario to be used in but each represent showing the world a facade that they need to see rather than who you actually are. It is an amazing tool to project confidence in circumstances that aren't conducive, project courage in the face of hopelessness or project what you want to really rather than painting a grim picture.

However, is it the best approach? If you're always smiling people assume you're happy. No one really knows whether you are or not. 

I remember this one experience from college. After our Term 1 exams, I had failed in 1 subject. In fact, more than half of the class had. After we all received the results, I was going about my way in the hostel corridor, being my happy self and a class mate asked me if I had passed. I told him, No - I had failed. For the next 2 mins our conversation was simply around this one fact where he refused to believe me and kept asking me why I wasn't telling him the truth (despite that being the truth). He stopped another classmate who was passing by and verified with him whether I had actually failed. Only after he confirmed that I had indeed failed that exam, did he, grudgingly, accept. And then explained his confusion because he saw me going about my way all merry and happy.

I strongly believe in variables that you can control and variables that you can't. If I can't control a variable - like India winning the world cup - I do not let it emotionally affect me. If I can control a variable, then I work towards building a clear plan and making the changes that I can. That does not mean I do not have emotions. It simply means that I am able to dissociate my emotions with my work. And people find it hard to believe and/or make an assumption (and assertion) in their head which is usually contradictory to what's really going on.

So do you project confidence when you're feeling bad or do you share with everyone that you're feeling bad?

The problem with latter is that people thrive on vibes. If I am down and I project that, I bring the vibe around me down. If I am perky, then I make others feel better - except the ones that want to sulk. But what if those are the people that really matter? Do you sulk with them? Or do you be the happy self, coz really there isn't anything you can do about it. Shh!! Who knows, I may get superpowers in the future and may be able to do everything.. 

Apprehensions

 So, D.H. Lawrence's short story - The Rocking Horse Winner - has been going through my mind for quite some time. I've thought deeply about it once earlier when I was in Louisville. Now is the second time my brain keeps reminding me of that story.

It's an amazing story depicting how unspoken words can turn into anxiety and stress and eat a person from the inside. The beautiful characterization uses a child as the primary protagonist who is a keen observer and undergoes that change. It keeps the narrative pure and engaging. It's a great commentary on how a household runs on vibes. Unspoken words, at times, carry a lot more weight than what people say out loud. It also explores luck - one of my favorite subjects and how the meaning of luck differs for everyone.

A short blog, this is going to be.

What is important, a person's principles or the happiness of who they love? What if the two conflict? What gives?

Random Thoughts

 So, Wheel of Time Season 2 arrived on Amazon Prime this weekend. I caught up on the first 3 episodes, and while I still don't like how they're butchering the books, this is a slight improvement on the mess that was Season 1.

I started thinking about why I didn't like this version. I love the series, but I'm not a hardcore fan of it. Drawing parallels, before Harry Potter and The Order of Phoenix came out, I came across a bunch of fan fiction, and one amongst them stood out. And I still maintain that fan fiction made for a much better story than what JKR eventually told in the actual book. Given that, I am open to minor tinkering in the story.

What I don't like is the character assassination that the series has done. I loved the books because I identified with the characters. I identified with the struggle Rand was going through. I identified with the mischievousness of Mat. I identified with the pure heart Perrin carried. I felt the awe that comes with moving from a smaller city to a metropolis. It gave me a sense of adventure, anticipation, and, most importantly, tools and theories that helped me make sense of the world around me.

I could sense the racial tensions and see how different cities had different affiliations. I could see the scars that old wars left on land and memory. I saw how different interpersonal relationships could pan out and how each decision and each move impacted the larger weave.

And all that is what is missing in the series. I don't identify with any of those characters. In order to make them feel more realistic, new backdrops & stories have been added, which make no sense unless you start thinking of the characters in a completely new light. The big cities don't feel grand. There is no specific culture - just people talking to others. We're shown that Cairhien is a political city because it's specifically mentioned in 1 conversation. Instead of allowing us to make up our minds - we're fed with what the series wants us to think. And that - I've never liked. I grew to like Selene in the books, but there were always indications that something wasn't right. In fact, she's still my favorite of the 13 forsaken - so much so that my D4 character is named after her.

So that's that.

How do you deal with emotional tiredness though? How do you deal when you want to make effort to better a relationship but every time you try, you are knocked back?

Being wrong

 Donald Trump has an amazing quality - he's never wrong. The information given to him could be wrong. The way people understand/misunderstand him could be wrong. The way the media represents him could be wrong. But him - no way.

Over the last two months, I've thought a lot about why I do not trust a majority of Hindu priests and don't really care about going to temples and performing various rituals that can benefit me.

 I've concluded that it's not Hinduism that I don't trust - I maintain it is one of the oldest and most scientific religions (if that can be considered a thing) that's around. From Sanskrit to Maths, to Astrology, Astronomy, to Biology - nearly everything historically was scientifically driven. As with every religion, there are some ugly parts, but that's part of evolution.

It's also not that I don't trust in God. I've written previously that I believe in the existence of a singular power, though my thoughts slightly differ from others on what that is.

So what is it?

And this morning, it dawned on me - it's the fact that I have never seen a Hindu priest perform a ritual for their host's benefit and go to the host and say - "Oops! That wasn't the ritual that was supposed to be performed for your issue; I should've performed a different ritual; let me go fix that". Or "I made an error reading your chart or drawing your chart." Either it turns out to be incorrect information was provided. Or "Oh! That ritual didn't fix your issue, let's try this other more powerful one." Or "Let's try this other ritual that calls for a different deity that may be more relevant to your issue"

It's an approach that's neither science nor art. The utilization of this approach is almost an art, but the practice of it isn't. Science is straightforward. It may posit something today: find out the information is incorrect, recalculations are done, and the result is fine-tuned based on the latest correct information. But scientists admit that they made a mistake. When a rocket blows up, an RCA is done, and we find out which piece of calculation/assumption was responsible for it; we fix it and make the rocket again. I don't hear people go, "Oh! your rocket blew up. Let's try this more powerful fuel that I've always known about but didn't tell you earlier"

Art gives its practitioner creative license - so the sky can be blue, black, grey, brown, pink, yellow, white - whatever you want it to be. But no artist goes, "oh! Black didn't work for you. give me more money, and I'll make it bubblegum pink"

The thing is, mistakes are inevitable. That is what makes us human. Admitting that someone was wrong makes them human and more relatable. I would prefer a doctor who admits to their mistake when they make one, rather than one that passes off their incorrect diagnosis as correct but still changes your medication without telling you the actual reason coz they know their initial diagnosis was right.

Balance

 Everything around us is about balance. There's a Yin to Yang. There's a White to Black. There's a Day to every Night. At different times, one may be strong, but then the other pulls, and things become balanced again.

So why is it so hard for me to get used to it? If I know it and can explain it, then I understand it. If I understand it, why can I not implement it? Why do I feel that I should be able to do more for people around me? Why should they listen to me? Why, when they don't, do I feel bad.

Not everyone has to live their life the same way. People should be able to make their own choices. Why is it, then, when someone makes a choice that you warned them against, you feel bad? Is someone accepting my choice a validation that I am right? Is being right so important to me? Or is it that I don't like to be at a place in the future where people say - he could've done something but didn't. Or is that a future validation that I care about? Should I?

You should live life by your principles. Yet, a lot of decisions are made for you, and you have no involvement in them. You are dependent on other's goodwill. So, when there's an option, do you get others' goodwill or do what you want to do? How do you balance and have a social life with your unsocial temperament? How do you get others' goodwill while remaining sincere? If I do what I do, which I usually do, and someone doesn't like the way I do what I do, should I change the way I do what I do? Or should I ignore them? I know I can listen to their perspective, but what if I don't agree? When we say Agree to Disagree - isn't that just another way of saying, "You have your opinions, I have mine, and neither of them is going to change" So then, has the conflict been resolved? Should all conflicts be resolved? Theoretically, conflicts can serve other purposes - so how do you utilize a conflict while not feeling manipulative? Or is manipulation ok? 

A friend asked me if I keep changing the problem statement, how will I arrive at an answer, and how will he be able to help. He's right. As soon as I find a solution to the problem, either a new one arises or the problem itself changes shape. It's like the following excerpt from H2G2 by Douglas Adams :

“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”

Too many questions today. Never-ending stream... I need to get this out of my head.

Mistakes & Successes

 So, another thread from my epic road trip that I am finally putting down.

I realized that most of us carry our (and others) mistakes far too long while overlooking the successes or the good around us. 

If I go out to camp 5 times a year, build a campfire every single time I'm camping, and have been doing it for 20 years. I've camped and built campfires 100 times. 

I will remember the one time when while building the campfire, a hot ember jumped out and burned me a little. I will not remember the other 99 times when nothing out of the ordinary happened. Maybe a few, but while I will have a specific memory of the 2008 Aug campfire that burned me, I will have only generic statements about the third campfire I ever built where we all roasted marshmallows and had fun like every other time since then, except the 2008 campfire.

It kinda makes sense - we have an idiom in Hindi. "Doodh ka jala, chhaach ko bhi phoonk phoonk k peeta hai". It means - Once bitten, twice shy. And specifically, someone who burnt their mouth while drinking hot milk starts blowing over cold milk to make sure he doesn't get burnt again.

Mistakes make us learn a lot more than our successes.

We are more concerned with "Don't do this or else.. " than "Hey! This was good, let's keep doing it"

How does that impact us, though - it creates doubt in our thinking. A chink in the armor that is our self-confidence. Even when we're right, it makes us ask - What if I was wrong? Is that the right way to approach it, though? Recently I read somewhere that recency bias is something we all suffer from. They talked about how we spend money, and a lot of times, the money we have already spent is a driver when we make a decision about the money we have not spent yet.

We've already spent a lot this month, so let's cut down our expenditure and not spend anymore. We start paying attention to what we've done rather than evaluating the expenditures that are yet to happen at their face value. Are those expenditures needed is a question that is exempt from how much we've already spent. Whether I've spent 5% of my monthly budget or 50% - has no impact on whether I need the new something or not.

It's the same with mistakes. If we've already made a mistake, it makes us wary about making others. We lose the rationale that the next thing we're working on has no relation to what has already happened. We are very careful not to make another mistake.

On the other hand, successes do not play the same role in the same capacity. I did one thing right today will not fill me with enough confidence that the next thing will also be done right because I was right the first time. Throwing numbers around randomly, the amount of confidence a mistake takes away - it may take 9 successes to gain back. It's not an equal relationship between mistakes & successes.

Data (mis)Representation and Visualization

 So, Data is the buzzword and the biggest force out there today that is considered the key to future growth and success. It has spawned so many different streams and quotes already. 

Streams like Data Design, Data Analysis, Data Engineering, Data Science, Data Management, Data Steward, Data Governance, Data Migration, Data Ingestion, Data Transmission, Data Storage, Data Streaming, Big Data and a few others that I just may not know about.

In terms of quotes and equivalence that I've heard :

Data is the next Gold.

Data is like Air - everywhere around us and is absolutely needed for an organization to thrive.

Data is like Water - All around us, flowing from one place to another, stored in containers for future use

So I get it. Everybody understands how important data is. But do we know how to use it properly?

Apparently, too well. 10-15 years ago, if someone said that their reasoning/argument/logic is backed by data, it's highly probable that I would probably be swayed over to their way of thinking. Today - not as easy. Why? Because we have learned how to misrepresent data. We have learned how to dissect the data to back our way of thinking. We have made huge strides in analysis, and that has enabled us to portray facts in a light that supports our logic.

I recently came back from a road trip. On one of the days during the trip, my wife & I were driving from Grand Tetons to Yellowstone. It was cold, and it was raining. I was not enjoying driving my Audi A3, a small sedan, on the mountain roads when they were wet and cold and could've possibly been slippery. I wasn't the only person on the road, though. There were a lot of vehicles. To support my discomfort, though, I commented that not a lot of those other vehicles were small sedans or, for that matter, sedans at all. 

Then I started thinking analytically if I could quantify and back my statement with numbers. So I categorized the next 100 vehicles. Only 9 of them were sedans. I counted another 100, and only 6 of those were sedans. Of any size. That gives me a percentage point backing up my theory - Only 7.5% of total cars on the road that day were sedans. 92.5% of the people on the road on that wet, rainy day were driving a bigger vehicle. Does that make my point and back my theory up? It does. Would you think very few people drive sedans and consider that a weird fact. Maybe?

Until I tell you that only 20% of total cars sold are sedans. Until I tell you that when it comes to breaking down this data, out of the 200, rough estimates for other types of cars were : 3 big trucks, 20 RVs, 40 SUVs, 40 Pickup trucks, 10 Hatchbacks, 35 Minivans, 30 Crossovers, and 7 Vans. Giving them a percentage points of 2%, 10%, 20%, 20%, 5%, 18%, 15%, and 4%. Sedan numbers don't look too bad now - do they? It was mixed traffic, and the numbers show that. But because I picked a single category, I can cast it as an outlier. I can pick SUVs and say the same thing - 80% of the people on the road that day were not driving an SUV.

Data is no longer equivalent to truth. It's all about perspective. It's all about how you slice it, present it. 

Talking to a friend recently, they mentioned that there was a travel freeze in their company despite an amazing H1 because travel costs had risen 25% while the revenue was up only 15%. I do not know the actual numbers behind the scene, but that is weak logic. Why, you ask?

Because yes, you're showing that travel costs are rising at a sharper rate, are you actually quantifying the impact? Let's say my revenue last year was 10mn USD, and this year is 11mn USD. That's a 10% increase in revenue. Let's say my travel expenditure last year was 10K USD. But this year, to get more business, more people flew, and it's gone up to 20K USD. That's a 100% increase in my travel expenditure. However, the additional 10K USD in travel, when reflected against 1mn USD in revenue - how much of an impact does it make on the bottom line.

Now during a discussion with another friend, they pointed out that I was only presenting one side of the story, and I see his point. To clarify the scenario above, I'm not suggesting or questioning the decision to travel freeze. Presenting another aspect using different numbers, if we keep the revenue and growth the same, but let's say the travel expenditure last year was 500K and this year has been 625K providing us the 25% increase. That does cause a significant impact because while the growth in revenue is still 1 mn, the additional travel of 125K takes 1/8th of it immediately.

What I'm trying to suggest here is that as we face numbers every single day, we need to remember that simply because we come across a big number or a trend, we should not assume that we are able to understand the full picture. Sometimes summaries can impress an idea that is very different from the truth, and details are needed to understand the background and look at it holistically.

Eternal Traveler

 So, I was talking to someone before my road trip and commented on how I was very restless, and I loved staying on the road rather than reaching and enjoying the stay at my destination. Don't get me wrong, I love exploring the destinations, and I love the feeling of newness they bring. But that the newness would get old very quickly, and I would feel the need to be on the road again. They said that it meant that I was like a traveler enjoying the journey more than the destination. 

I think I've finally figured out my obsession with the road. My obsession with driving. Even if it is without purpose - seems there's always a purpose behind it subconsciously. I think the root of all of it is that it ends with me being "Not here.".

I think I'm constantly looking for a place where I am peaceful. Where I can rest. The place that I can look at and say I don't need to go anywhere else now. For a lot of people, that translates to Home. So maybe that's what I'm looking for - a place where my soul can feel at home at. The driving, the traveling, it all means that I am moving. That is my restlessness in action. It also comes with a promise that, at some point, it will stop, and I will get rest. That is hope. Hope that I will finally rest at the end of it all.

Kinda a short blog with no particular purpose. Kinda like my obsession with the drives.

Fortitude

 Another day, another song, another thought chain, and another blog.

The sea calms down, and clear skies begin to emerge.

Listening to "Namo Namo" from the movie Kedarnath today. A couple of lines from it go :

"Doosron k vaaste, tu sadaiv hi jiya
Manga kuch bhi nahi, tune sirf hai diya"

Meaning you always lived for others. You never wished anything for yourself but have always just given.

It's a very high bar - no wonder that it's set by a God. It triggered a thought of how difficult it is to just give without wishing for anything in return. You have to be completely detached from any and all pleasures and wants. A true ascetic. An inspiration. An aspiration?

Drawing parallels to The Wheel of Time, there comes a time in Rand's character growth when he starts hardening himself. People around him wonder whether he's turning himself into steel or stone. Both hard materials. Both suitable as a weapon. Both lacking any feelings. Steel can cut through, punch through. Rock can bear a lot. But both can be shattered. And shatter he does, towards the end when he nearly kills his father in anger. Once he realizes that you keep going over and over the same thing because each time you do, you are getting another chance to do it right, he understands his purpose. And he understands that it needs to be done, but he cannot lose his emotions in the process. He cannot lose the way he feels.

Quoting a summary from wot fandom post his realization:


"Rand opens his eyes for what seems the first time. He has a strange feeling that he will never again hear Lews Therin's voice inside his head. They were not two different men and had never been. He looks into the sky and sees the sun's rays through the gloom. He smiles and lets out a rich and true laugh.

It has been far too long."

So, it has.

Perspectives

 So, with the sea of thoughts churning within me, I resorted to music to get some clarity on my thoughts. Now I've long believed that every single mood of mine, or a series of thoughts going through my head, can be reflected in a song. The one today, going on repeat, is "Sadda Haq" from the movie Rockstar. A song that was an instant hit when it came out, but I never saw the charm of it. Until now.

It starts with positing this : 

"Tum logon ki is duniya mein,
Har kadam par insaan galat.
Mein sahi samajh kar jo bhi karun,
tum kehte ho galat.
Mein galat hun to phir kaun sahi?
Marzi see jeene ki bhi mein kya tum sab ko arzi dun?
Matlab ki tum sabka mujhpe mujhse bhi zyada haq hai?"

Translating to English, it means :

"In your world,
every step someone takes is wrong.
I do something that I consider to be right,
but you tell me that I do it wrong.
If I'm wrong, then who's right?
To live as I want, do I need to petition you and get your approval?
Does that mean that y'all own me more than I do?"

Thinking through it, I realized that everyone that listens to this song identifies with the person asking the question and not the crowd the question is being asked of. Something that I also recently read in a book - Everyone is a hero in their own story. Nobody considers themselves to be the villain or that they are doing something wrong. Falling back to a very old theory of mine, every action that someone takes can be explained given the circumstances. Lex Luthor considers himself to be correct. So does Joker and Penguin, and every other comic book villain. 

So yes, everyone considers themselves to be right. If that's the case, then where there's disagreement, the only two ways of resolution become complete annihilation of one party or a compromise between the two. This assumes that neither of them is ready to change their beliefs.

Take an example of the current American politics - that seems to be kind of where it's heading. Unless the people realize that being stubborn with their beliefs and not being ready to see the other side or to achieve a compromise, this path will only lead to chaos.

Turmoil

I've been thinking of writing another blog for a few weeks now. Got three separate threads that I want to get out of my head. Yet, here I am, actually writing something entirely different.

As mentioned previously, I wasn't in a great spot last year. Wanted to just head out and keep driving somewhere... nowhere.. anywhere. That idea eventually resulted in a two-week road trip which was amazing. This blog isn't about that.

Less than a month after the road trip, I feel like I'm back in that mode. I'm yet to dissect the causation, but I can definitely identify where this is heading. It stems once again from frustrations that are starting to build within me. It stems from the feeling that I am restricted, unable to do what I want to, and yearning for the freedom that the road brings. The road without boundaries. The road without an end. The road you can continue to travel without stopping. Is stopping necessary?

Sometimes I feel like a nomadic life would've suited me. I haven't felt like setting up roots in ages. Yet, here I am with a house and a wife. An anchor is a funny thing - you really need it in severe weather because it ensures safety, but under clear skies, it needs to be loaded up and carried around, which is a task on its own and takes effort.

I've always fallen back to "Death is lighter than a feather, duty heavier than a mountain.". I know carrying the load is a necessary task. A duty, so to speak. And I'm not one to shirk his. But shouldn't duty come along with purpose? Should it not be towards a goal? Should it not be towards making you a better person? Or should it always feel like you're carrying a mountain that's grinding you down, inevitably getting you to a mindset where Death just feels like a release that you would welcome with open arms.

I'm not going to stop fighting, and I will continue to move forward whether the weather is clear or turbulent. It may make my progress slow, but I will continue to progress. As the song I'm listening to suggests - "Kauravon ki bheed ho ya Pandavon ka need ho, Jo lad saka hai vohi to mahaan hai." Meaning whether you are on the side of light or the side of darkness, only those who've shown the courage to fight the battle have made a name for themselves. I don't care about whether, in the end, I'm considered mahaan, but at the end of the day, I do want to be seen as someone who never stopped fighting for what he believed to be right. Coz, if one isn't able to do that, then what's the purpose of one's existence. What's the purpose of everyone being different and leading different lives?

Stressors & Relaxers

Two months after I hoped I would be in my high-performing state, I finally feel I am. My thoughts now naturally wander to places I like. I'm thinking better, doing better, and feeling better.

Some of it can be attributed to the "me time" I have had since Aditi was on vacation in India. But I want to attribute a lion's share to the small changes I've been trying to make since last year. Puts Atomic Habits into a very real perspective. You don't see it coming, but you can look back and see all the good work you put into build-up over time.

Last year, around this time, I was stressed out. I had fewer responsibilities than now, but when I look back, I remember having thoughts when, while driving to my office, I had thoughts of just skipping and continuing to drive down the road to wherever it took me. No destination. That's where my idea of a long road trip originated from. I was insecure, unsure, and anxious.

Now, 1 year later, even though I have more responsibilities - I bought a house, got a promotion, am leading a new project, and managing more people - I feel much happier, more relaxed, and more content.

So what changed? I reflected. 

And I found that I was keeping a lot of stressors with me and was not giving myself any relaxers.

I was trying to control things that weren't in my control. I was trying to help people that didn't want to be helped. I was dwelling a lot on communication gaps like when people wouldn't understand what I was trying to say. I had stopped improving. I had stopped learning. I was stagnant. All of these and more were my stressors.

What are my relaxers? I've talked about it previously. Music - I wasn't listening to it much. Creativity - I wasn't making anything new. Me Time - I wasn't having any. Water - I wasn't spending much time with it. Thinking - I couldn't do much because I wasn't getting time to myself.

And that's all there was to it. Life will always send stressors your way. That's what life does. Things are going well, and then they suddenly don't. The key to getting through is to not let those stressors build up and continue to visit your relaxers. Things that make you happy. Put one step in front of another and keep walking. Until a solution is in sight. Until things again change for the better.

Now I'm listening to music nearly every single day. I've been woodworking and gardening. I have time to think and write these blogs.

Solutions

So this came out of absolutely nowhere. A random email added some coal to the old steam engine, which led my train of thought on an entirely new path.

So, I was thinking about how to resolve a particular problem that was unfolding in an email in which I was copied. And I wondered how sometimes, you just have to let things unfold for them to resolve, just give it time and let others catch up. This led me to think of an analogy coz I do that best. And the nearest thing I could think of was how you irrigate a farm from a canal (the old-fashioned way). You make way for water to go through pre-made channels before you open up the gate and let gravity do its thing. You put the effort upfront, let nature take its course, and fix/guide only if the water(problem) is not going the way you want it to. Let others work for you while you guide and keep them on the path.

Then I thought, can this approach be used everywhere? Not really. Works in this case, but if you're gonna move rocks, you can't just build them a path. For that, you gotta build transport. So just by changing one variable in the problem statement, the solution is no longer applicable.  Taking the irrigation problem, if I introduce a volume cap to it or add a KPI on how quickly the water reaches the furthest corner of the field, I would have the change that solution or introduce changes to it at least, like adding a pump somewhere or building a network of pipes. 

If I change the problem entirely, the solution would have to undergo a complete overhaul too. And that's where the skill of problem-solving comes into the picture. Understanding that not all problems are created equal, evaluating the variables involved, and coming up with the best solution that accounts for it - it takes patience, perseverance, and a calculated risk. And that combination is rare.

Dispositions, Outlooks, and Moods

So I had to look up the definitions to refresh my mind even though I knew what I wanted to write about. And I pass that on to you as well :

Disposition is defined as a person's inherent qualities of mind and character

Outlook is defined as a person's point of view or general attitude to life

Mood is defined as a temporary state of mind or feeling

And that's our topic for today. Of late, I have been in high spirits. Higher than I usually associate with myself. I've had a good state of mind, I've been looking for improvements, and I've been tackling issues with a smile on my face. As I explained to someone on a call in January - Sometimes, we are able to dictate a change in our dispositions, and other times the dispositions make us do what we do.

I have a mood tracker, and it has six options: Angry, Sad, Meh, Neutral, Happy, and Ecstatic. Last year, I was consistently neutral. And I wasn't exactly happy. No surprise. This year, I decided to force myself to think better, give myself more leeway, and let myself feel more happy. That meant that for the first few days, I consciously reminded myself that I needed to rate myself Happy or above. After 15 days or so, now I don't have to force it anymore. I see that prompt about what my current mood is, and my brain automatically responds, Happy!! And I am. More so than last year. This, I consider, is partly responsible for my feeling of being in higher spirits.

What I noticed additionally, though, is that since I made this change, I approach things differently. I talk to people more positively. I accept the issues & challenges thrown towards me, and instead of letting them drag me down, I look for the positives and the next step forward. I feel & hope this has also rubbed off on the people that I converse with. 

So what caused me to write about it? 

Today, I arrived in the office, as usual, full of high spirits, looking forward to what I can achieve today, and trying to add some new habits to organize myself and my work better. Then I received a call, and the other person was not in a good mood. And that rubbed off on me, and I started feeling as if I was getting dragged down. And it triggered the thought of how different people's dispositions, outlooks, and moods get passed around. If I'm talking to someone with a smile on my face, more often than not, irrespective of what the other person is feeling in their life, they would feel better. However much we deny, we are all connected as species. 

We run away from each other if there are conflicts because our survivalist instincts kick in, and we want to preserve ourselves. But give us a safe space and a happy crowd, and we will all connect. Look at how concerts typically go. Like-minded people all enjoying something they all love. Together.

The challenge a person thus has to live a happy and positive life is whether they are able to change their outlook, improve their disposition and rub off on the people around them to create a happy & positive environment for everyone.

Firsts

So, I've been thinking about this one for a while. A thought occurred to me while I was driving back home from the office, and I wanted to pen it down. Two weeks ago. And I didn't. Why? As I got home, I got busy with other routine tasks; making dinner, working on my garden, playing AoE, and writing the blog took a backseat.

However, recently, I had a couple of sessions with a therapist. Partly because I've always wondered how that works and partly because my new employer offers some sessions as a free benefit. After two sessions, I feel that the experience is slightly underwhelming - I've found it an excellent place to open up and talk without reservations, but there are some small things that could've made for a better experience which I'm not gonna talk about, in this blog. Getting back to the first digression - One of the things she said in the latest session - "When it feels that there are things bottled up, give them an outlet, write it down." - stuck with me. That, for me, for a lot of years, had been this blog. This is where I would come and pen down my thoughts without hesitation, without thinking about who's reading, without a care in the world. And so here I am today.

Now, getting back to the original topic and the thought from two weeks ago.

Firsts.

We spend the majority of our life in schedules, routines. Work to home, home to work. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner at specific times. Working Monday to Friday(for IT). Yet, that's not what we look forward to. That's never our focus. That's not what makes us happy. In fact, that's not what we even look backward to. That's not what we reminisce about. We don't go, "Oh! Do you remember that 70th day when we went to the same place for lunch, and nothing different happened? We ate, talked casually, and came back to the office?" Because we have a tendency to brush past the monotonous, barely paying any attention to it. What we look forward to, or remember, mostly are the firsts. The first kiss, the first time your heart jumped after seeing a beautiful girl, the first paycheck, the first trip somewhere. Some may generalize and say we look forward to our vacation every year when we go to the same place and do the same things. But do you really? Do you not crave going to a different place, even though that feeling of your comfort bubble draws you to the same place? And then, do you not, during your 5th or 7th visit, go, wait, I don't think it was like this earlier. It used to be better. This restaurant used to serve better food, and this beach used to be more clean.

So where am I heading with all this? This behavior shows that we all crave change in our life. Change is what makes our life better. Change is what makes our life worth remembering. We would remember the first time going to a specific office building and loving it. We won't remember the 1072nd time when we visited the same building since you've been desensitized towards the beauty of the building, which hasn't changed. You have changed in those 1072 visits. Law of diminishing value. What excited you the first time doesn't excite you anymore. However, if you switch employers or locations and go to a new building, it's a second that's also a first, and you may feel excited about it.

Even when most of us maintain, "We don't like change - why can't it be how it was?" We all crave it. The "Why can't it be how it was?" is because it's the nth time something is happening. And at the end of it all, when you look back, you will remember the times something changed. You won't remember all the days the stock market ticked up 1%. But you'll remember that one time AMC & GameStop surged coz of Reddit investors. We are good at remembering anomalies much more than mundane ones. And so, my thought is that for a life worth remembering, you oughta have enough anomalies in it so you can reflect back on it and say - "You remember that time when.."

The Problem with being God

So, I was pondering over the age-old existential question - Who am I, and what am I doing here?

For far too long, I have believed that we all have God within us and that what we do is an extension of Him offering us choices and us mortal people making them. How the pattern gets woven is based on our choices, and the outcome of each dictates how things proceed. But if that is true, why are we not all able to do everything, and why aren't we always able to make those choices correctly.

Out of the bat, the latter part is easy to answer. Our determination of choice being correct or not always comes after the fact - once we see the effect of the option, we are in a better place to determine if we made the correct choice. If I order a new dish in a restaurant, I won't know whether it tastes good until after I've tasted it. And I can only taste it after I've ordered it. And I can only order it after I've made a choice. If it tastes great, I made an excellent choice. If it tastes terrible, I won't be happy with my choice. Knowing the outcome earlier takes away from having a choice and the joy of discovery or the learning that comes from pain. And it's those emotions, those feelings, that make us human.

The former, however, is slightly tricky. I think we all definitely have varying degrees of ability to do what we want. Varying degrees depend on how much time we put into learning something. While some of us may have an innate talent, there isn't an art we can't learn if we're ready to put our mind & effort into it. If we are all capable of doing everything all the time, once again, it takes away from life in the sense that there would be monotony since there won't be anything to learn or talk about.

So if I can answer my own questions - what's the problem with God, and why am I even writing this blog?

Well - the problem I see is this. While it's all good to have choices, the end goal is nearly nonexistent. It feels like an experiment where various variables are thrown out to see what becomes. So being omnipotent, omnipresent, and almighty - basically, God feels someone who's just bored and is scrolling through a shorts feed checking up on what each person is doing in their life at times marking the like sending his love and downvoting some choices, ensuring we learn from them and don't make them again.