Love thyself

 How important is loving oneself? Narcissism is considered a mental disorder. And the common consensus is that one needs to look at themselves critically to identify the areas of improvement and get better. But when that criticism of self starts eroding one's self-confidence, is it still the path to improvement, or should one take a step back, reflect, and learn to love oneself along with critical analysis of one's actions?

As with most of my recent blogs, this stems from a song I've rediscovered recently. "I'm the best" from the Hindi movie Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani.. It's a song sung by the protagonist and throughout the whole song simply points how the protagonist is the best at everything they do and nobody's better.

I tend to be very critical of myself. I've previously stated that the bar I set for myself is usually much higher than what the others set. That means that in my own opinion, I very rarely am performing even up to the mark. This leads to a lot of insecurities that have developed unconsciously over the years, and I reminisce back to the times when my self-confidence was so high that I never let anyone else impact what I thought was correct. I was called arrogant with a need to be right all the time. But that is who I am. That is who I would like to be. And not without reason - I do tend to put a lot of effort into learning and doing. I still don't think I'm the best at everything I do, but I think with this song playing in my head, I can say I'm better than most at most.

I do not do that for the applause or recognition. At least, I would like to think that I don't. However, in being self-critical, I noticed that I pull myself down a lot, and if others around me are also doing the same, I lose confidence in my ideas and thoughts that actually make me different. All my life, having tried to be different than others, that's counterintuitive and counterproductive. 

One feedback I received last year from my coach was that I need to start appreciating myself as well instead of just being self-reductive. And that's where this song comes in. Weirdly, while I don't agree with the self-pandering in the song, it is very comforting to hear that I'm the best coz that's what we all strive for. Don't we?

So, I would say, be critical of yourself, but love thyself as well. Self confidence is the cornerstone of your individuality. Let it shine as long as it does not come in the way of others. Be a narcissist as long as it enables you to move forward and doesn't hold you back.

EMBA Chronicles - Ep 2

 So, another month of classes, another round of last moment class cancellations, switching class timings and the stuff that we are normalized to. A few issues still stand out, however. 

Two months ago, the Academic Affairs Office decided to change the names for some of us to match the name on the “last academic document based on which our admission into IITR was finalized.”

“ Really? That’s an issue?”, you’d think, “Name’s a name”

For a few of us, our names were different on those documents for various reasons. Some female colleagues got married and took on their husband’s last name. For others it was a logistics issue with their previous institution. For me, when I entered in 2003, the system in my institution had a character limit. Due to that they were unable to enter my full name and left my last name out - Yes, my name is that long.

Now, however, all of my govt. issued IDs, recent course certificates contain my last name.

So, I conveyed to the AAO the reason why my full name does not show on my 16+ years old degree, providing them a copy of my passport, my Aadhaar card, secondary and high school marksheets all of which contain my full name. I also provided more recent Coursera certificates - the same platform that IITR is using to market this EMBA degree - but to no avail. There would be only one they would refer to - the one with the missing last name. 

I’m amazed at the logic of this. IITR - a government institution - refuses to recognize government issued IDs rather putting faith in the one and only document that does not have my full name. No alternatives accepted. No alternatives provided.

So, I wrote to a few people I believed were in leadership positions and received an assurance that the matter will be looked into.

Two months later, the seats have changed occupants. And, on following up, I’m being told to go directly to AAO. The same department that I’m trying to ask for help with.

Effectively, as I understand, this is called “passing the buck” or “not my responsibility”. 

Two months ago, another thing happened. The only non-Indian student from our batch, got tired of the admin mess and left the batch. But of course, things happen, that isn’t really a reason for IITR to learn and sort things out. Is it? Or the 50% drop out rate from batch 1. Or the 5 other people from our batch that have dropped since the start of program.

The classes have been amazing, on the other hand. Lots of discussions, new things to learn. There has been a tinge of cultural difference that I have noticed in the approaches suggested to various problems, but that is something I expect and can transfer to my workplace. Things in my work that I used to gloss over - I notice them now. So the learning journey has truly started and I believe in the added value of the knowledge the professors are able to impart. 

So if the professors know what works and how to get an organization to work smoothly, implement projects successfully, why is there such a mess?

In my opinion, it’s a a combination of a few factors. IITR is a government organization. And government appointments come with tenure, security of job, pressure of a lot of work, and the ability to pass the work to someone else. There’s little accountability except to the few people that are going to evaluate. There’s little transparency. Because I said so - can be a real policy. Then there’s ego - both the driving factor and the nemesis of Indian management. It’s an amazing tool for personal growth. It’s also something that can completely hamper team work and block organizations from growing and moving forward. It is such a blocker for collaboration & cooperation. I was once told that everybody who is excellent at something is arrogant in some capacity. And I agree, arrogance can form the core for your confidence. However, you cannot let it come in between you and the greater good. Put two arrogant egotistical people on two sides of a topic and you will see them reach an impasse in no time.

One of the reasons I like Schneider Electric, is the core value of Act Like Owners. It is very close to my heart. I believe that all of us give our best and try our best when we feel like we actually own something. I will put a lot more effort and focus to fix a house that I own than what my neighbor does. Ownership is what drives change. If I don’t care for something or don’t own it, why would I feel the urge to do anything with it? This is something we have studied in the EMBA classes as well. However, it is completely missing in the way everything is organized and managed. There are a few people that keep trying on the behalf of the students. And there are a lot more people that keep ignoring or refuting them. Endless cycle of chaos and churn which eventually results in a low Say/Do ratio on the part of IITR.

Then there’s issue of Mettl. The Mercer platform that allows you to take exams remotely, captures video and raises flags if it detects head movements, or clicking outside of the browser window. Again, a choice made by IITR to conduct exams. Limitations of the platform aside - it’s the trust on Mettl and how professors are trying to use it that surprises me. Once again, there are some that understand how it works, craft the exams in such a way that they utilize the various features Mettl provides. And then there are others who take it and try to adapt the platform to what they are comfortable with. 

Making an analogy - I have a need to go somewhere, I have a tool - a car, that I can use to go there, but I have just never driven one. Till I got the car, I was just driving horse carts. So I would either find a driver to drive me, or I would learn to drive if I have enough time. 

Alternately, I could rip the top off the car to let fresh air pass through when I’m in the car. I can add 4 horses in front of the car to pull it. This also will accomplish my travel need and keep me in my comfort bubble. I don’t need a driver and I don’t need to learn a new skill. And I can still use the shiny new car and show that I’m taking advantage of the tool I’ve been given.

Everyone is entitled to their choice but at times, I’m just astounded when people go with an option that looks like the latter. I mean just because it’s an option doesn’t mean you should go for it.

Anyways, long post today. I brought the car for maintenance, and it’s ready now. Until later, as I’m sure there will be more.