Balance

 Everything around us is about balance. There's a Yin to Yang. There's a White to Black. There's a Day to every Night. At different times, one may be strong, but then the other pulls, and things become balanced again.

So why is it so hard for me to get used to it? If I know it and can explain it, then I understand it. If I understand it, why can I not implement it? Why do I feel that I should be able to do more for people around me? Why should they listen to me? Why, when they don't, do I feel bad.

Not everyone has to live their life the same way. People should be able to make their own choices. Why is it, then, when someone makes a choice that you warned them against, you feel bad? Is someone accepting my choice a validation that I am right? Is being right so important to me? Or is it that I don't like to be at a place in the future where people say - he could've done something but didn't. Or is that a future validation that I care about? Should I?

You should live life by your principles. Yet, a lot of decisions are made for you, and you have no involvement in them. You are dependent on other's goodwill. So, when there's an option, do you get others' goodwill or do what you want to do? How do you balance and have a social life with your unsocial temperament? How do you get others' goodwill while remaining sincere? If I do what I do, which I usually do, and someone doesn't like the way I do what I do, should I change the way I do what I do? Or should I ignore them? I know I can listen to their perspective, but what if I don't agree? When we say Agree to Disagree - isn't that just another way of saying, "You have your opinions, I have mine, and neither of them is going to change" So then, has the conflict been resolved? Should all conflicts be resolved? Theoretically, conflicts can serve other purposes - so how do you utilize a conflict while not feeling manipulative? Or is manipulation ok? 

A friend asked me if I keep changing the problem statement, how will I arrive at an answer, and how will he be able to help. He's right. As soon as I find a solution to the problem, either a new one arises or the problem itself changes shape. It's like the following excerpt from H2G2 by Douglas Adams :

“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”

Too many questions today. Never-ending stream... I need to get this out of my head.

Mistakes & Successes

 So, another thread from my epic road trip that I am finally putting down.

I realized that most of us carry our (and others) mistakes far too long while overlooking the successes or the good around us. 

If I go out to camp 5 times a year, build a campfire every single time I'm camping, and have been doing it for 20 years. I've camped and built campfires 100 times. 

I will remember the one time when while building the campfire, a hot ember jumped out and burned me a little. I will not remember the other 99 times when nothing out of the ordinary happened. Maybe a few, but while I will have a specific memory of the 2008 Aug campfire that burned me, I will have only generic statements about the third campfire I ever built where we all roasted marshmallows and had fun like every other time since then, except the 2008 campfire.

It kinda makes sense - we have an idiom in Hindi. "Doodh ka jala, chhaach ko bhi phoonk phoonk k peeta hai". It means - Once bitten, twice shy. And specifically, someone who burnt their mouth while drinking hot milk starts blowing over cold milk to make sure he doesn't get burnt again.

Mistakes make us learn a lot more than our successes.

We are more concerned with "Don't do this or else.. " than "Hey! This was good, let's keep doing it"

How does that impact us, though - it creates doubt in our thinking. A chink in the armor that is our self-confidence. Even when we're right, it makes us ask - What if I was wrong? Is that the right way to approach it, though? Recently I read somewhere that recency bias is something we all suffer from. They talked about how we spend money, and a lot of times, the money we have already spent is a driver when we make a decision about the money we have not spent yet.

We've already spent a lot this month, so let's cut down our expenditure and not spend anymore. We start paying attention to what we've done rather than evaluating the expenditures that are yet to happen at their face value. Are those expenditures needed is a question that is exempt from how much we've already spent. Whether I've spent 5% of my monthly budget or 50% - has no impact on whether I need the new something or not.

It's the same with mistakes. If we've already made a mistake, it makes us wary about making others. We lose the rationale that the next thing we're working on has no relation to what has already happened. We are very careful not to make another mistake.

On the other hand, successes do not play the same role in the same capacity. I did one thing right today will not fill me with enough confidence that the next thing will also be done right because I was right the first time. Throwing numbers around randomly, the amount of confidence a mistake takes away - it may take 9 successes to gain back. It's not an equal relationship between mistakes & successes.

Data (mis)Representation and Visualization

 So, Data is the buzzword and the biggest force out there today that is considered the key to future growth and success. It has spawned so many different streams and quotes already. 

Streams like Data Design, Data Analysis, Data Engineering, Data Science, Data Management, Data Steward, Data Governance, Data Migration, Data Ingestion, Data Transmission, Data Storage, Data Streaming, Big Data and a few others that I just may not know about.

In terms of quotes and equivalence that I've heard :

Data is the next Gold.

Data is like Air - everywhere around us and is absolutely needed for an organization to thrive.

Data is like Water - All around us, flowing from one place to another, stored in containers for future use

So I get it. Everybody understands how important data is. But do we know how to use it properly?

Apparently, too well. 10-15 years ago, if someone said that their reasoning/argument/logic is backed by data, it's highly probable that I would probably be swayed over to their way of thinking. Today - not as easy. Why? Because we have learned how to misrepresent data. We have learned how to dissect the data to back our way of thinking. We have made huge strides in analysis, and that has enabled us to portray facts in a light that supports our logic.

I recently came back from a road trip. On one of the days during the trip, my wife & I were driving from Grand Tetons to Yellowstone. It was cold, and it was raining. I was not enjoying driving my Audi A3, a small sedan, on the mountain roads when they were wet and cold and could've possibly been slippery. I wasn't the only person on the road, though. There were a lot of vehicles. To support my discomfort, though, I commented that not a lot of those other vehicles were small sedans or, for that matter, sedans at all. 

Then I started thinking analytically if I could quantify and back my statement with numbers. So I categorized the next 100 vehicles. Only 9 of them were sedans. I counted another 100, and only 6 of those were sedans. Of any size. That gives me a percentage point backing up my theory - Only 7.5% of total cars on the road that day were sedans. 92.5% of the people on the road on that wet, rainy day were driving a bigger vehicle. Does that make my point and back my theory up? It does. Would you think very few people drive sedans and consider that a weird fact. Maybe?

Until I tell you that only 20% of total cars sold are sedans. Until I tell you that when it comes to breaking down this data, out of the 200, rough estimates for other types of cars were : 3 big trucks, 20 RVs, 40 SUVs, 40 Pickup trucks, 10 Hatchbacks, 35 Minivans, 30 Crossovers, and 7 Vans. Giving them a percentage points of 2%, 10%, 20%, 20%, 5%, 18%, 15%, and 4%. Sedan numbers don't look too bad now - do they? It was mixed traffic, and the numbers show that. But because I picked a single category, I can cast it as an outlier. I can pick SUVs and say the same thing - 80% of the people on the road that day were not driving an SUV.

Data is no longer equivalent to truth. It's all about perspective. It's all about how you slice it, present it. 

Talking to a friend recently, they mentioned that there was a travel freeze in their company despite an amazing H1 because travel costs had risen 25% while the revenue was up only 15%. I do not know the actual numbers behind the scene, but that is weak logic. Why, you ask?

Because yes, you're showing that travel costs are rising at a sharper rate, are you actually quantifying the impact? Let's say my revenue last year was 10mn USD, and this year is 11mn USD. That's a 10% increase in revenue. Let's say my travel expenditure last year was 10K USD. But this year, to get more business, more people flew, and it's gone up to 20K USD. That's a 100% increase in my travel expenditure. However, the additional 10K USD in travel, when reflected against 1mn USD in revenue - how much of an impact does it make on the bottom line.

Now during a discussion with another friend, they pointed out that I was only presenting one side of the story, and I see his point. To clarify the scenario above, I'm not suggesting or questioning the decision to travel freeze. Presenting another aspect using different numbers, if we keep the revenue and growth the same, but let's say the travel expenditure last year was 500K and this year has been 625K providing us the 25% increase. That does cause a significant impact because while the growth in revenue is still 1 mn, the additional travel of 125K takes 1/8th of it immediately.

What I'm trying to suggest here is that as we face numbers every single day, we need to remember that simply because we come across a big number or a trend, we should not assume that we are able to understand the full picture. Sometimes summaries can impress an idea that is very different from the truth, and details are needed to understand the background and look at it holistically.

Eternal Traveler

 So, I was talking to someone before my road trip and commented on how I was very restless, and I loved staying on the road rather than reaching and enjoying the stay at my destination. Don't get me wrong, I love exploring the destinations, and I love the feeling of newness they bring. But that the newness would get old very quickly, and I would feel the need to be on the road again. They said that it meant that I was like a traveler enjoying the journey more than the destination. 

I think I've finally figured out my obsession with the road. My obsession with driving. Even if it is without purpose - seems there's always a purpose behind it subconsciously. I think the root of all of it is that it ends with me being "Not here.".

I think I'm constantly looking for a place where I am peaceful. Where I can rest. The place that I can look at and say I don't need to go anywhere else now. For a lot of people, that translates to Home. So maybe that's what I'm looking for - a place where my soul can feel at home at. The driving, the traveling, it all means that I am moving. That is my restlessness in action. It also comes with a promise that, at some point, it will stop, and I will get rest. That is hope. Hope that I will finally rest at the end of it all.

Kinda a short blog with no particular purpose. Kinda like my obsession with the drives.

Fortitude

 Another day, another song, another thought chain, and another blog.

The sea calms down, and clear skies begin to emerge.

Listening to "Namo Namo" from the movie Kedarnath today. A couple of lines from it go :

"Doosron k vaaste, tu sadaiv hi jiya
Manga kuch bhi nahi, tune sirf hai diya"

Meaning you always lived for others. You never wished anything for yourself but have always just given.

It's a very high bar - no wonder that it's set by a God. It triggered a thought of how difficult it is to just give without wishing for anything in return. You have to be completely detached from any and all pleasures and wants. A true ascetic. An inspiration. An aspiration?

Drawing parallels to The Wheel of Time, there comes a time in Rand's character growth when he starts hardening himself. People around him wonder whether he's turning himself into steel or stone. Both hard materials. Both suitable as a weapon. Both lacking any feelings. Steel can cut through, punch through. Rock can bear a lot. But both can be shattered. And shatter he does, towards the end when he nearly kills his father in anger. Once he realizes that you keep going over and over the same thing because each time you do, you are getting another chance to do it right, he understands his purpose. And he understands that it needs to be done, but he cannot lose his emotions in the process. He cannot lose the way he feels.

Quoting a summary from wot fandom post his realization:


"Rand opens his eyes for what seems the first time. He has a strange feeling that he will never again hear Lews Therin's voice inside his head. They were not two different men and had never been. He looks into the sky and sees the sun's rays through the gloom. He smiles and lets out a rich and true laugh.

It has been far too long."

So, it has.

Perspectives

 So, with the sea of thoughts churning within me, I resorted to music to get some clarity on my thoughts. Now I've long believed that every single mood of mine, or a series of thoughts going through my head, can be reflected in a song. The one today, going on repeat, is "Sadda Haq" from the movie Rockstar. A song that was an instant hit when it came out, but I never saw the charm of it. Until now.

It starts with positing this : 

"Tum logon ki is duniya mein,
Har kadam par insaan galat.
Mein sahi samajh kar jo bhi karun,
tum kehte ho galat.
Mein galat hun to phir kaun sahi?
Marzi see jeene ki bhi mein kya tum sab ko arzi dun?
Matlab ki tum sabka mujhpe mujhse bhi zyada haq hai?"

Translating to English, it means :

"In your world,
every step someone takes is wrong.
I do something that I consider to be right,
but you tell me that I do it wrong.
If I'm wrong, then who's right?
To live as I want, do I need to petition you and get your approval?
Does that mean that y'all own me more than I do?"

Thinking through it, I realized that everyone that listens to this song identifies with the person asking the question and not the crowd the question is being asked of. Something that I also recently read in a book - Everyone is a hero in their own story. Nobody considers themselves to be the villain or that they are doing something wrong. Falling back to a very old theory of mine, every action that someone takes can be explained given the circumstances. Lex Luthor considers himself to be correct. So does Joker and Penguin, and every other comic book villain. 

So yes, everyone considers themselves to be right. If that's the case, then where there's disagreement, the only two ways of resolution become complete annihilation of one party or a compromise between the two. This assumes that neither of them is ready to change their beliefs.

Take an example of the current American politics - that seems to be kind of where it's heading. Unless the people realize that being stubborn with their beliefs and not being ready to see the other side or to achieve a compromise, this path will only lead to chaos.

Turmoil

I've been thinking of writing another blog for a few weeks now. Got three separate threads that I want to get out of my head. Yet, here I am, actually writing something entirely different.

As mentioned previously, I wasn't in a great spot last year. Wanted to just head out and keep driving somewhere... nowhere.. anywhere. That idea eventually resulted in a two-week road trip which was amazing. This blog isn't about that.

Less than a month after the road trip, I feel like I'm back in that mode. I'm yet to dissect the causation, but I can definitely identify where this is heading. It stems once again from frustrations that are starting to build within me. It stems from the feeling that I am restricted, unable to do what I want to, and yearning for the freedom that the road brings. The road without boundaries. The road without an end. The road you can continue to travel without stopping. Is stopping necessary?

Sometimes I feel like a nomadic life would've suited me. I haven't felt like setting up roots in ages. Yet, here I am with a house and a wife. An anchor is a funny thing - you really need it in severe weather because it ensures safety, but under clear skies, it needs to be loaded up and carried around, which is a task on its own and takes effort.

I've always fallen back to "Death is lighter than a feather, duty heavier than a mountain.". I know carrying the load is a necessary task. A duty, so to speak. And I'm not one to shirk his. But shouldn't duty come along with purpose? Should it not be towards a goal? Should it not be towards making you a better person? Or should it always feel like you're carrying a mountain that's grinding you down, inevitably getting you to a mindset where Death just feels like a release that you would welcome with open arms.

I'm not going to stop fighting, and I will continue to move forward whether the weather is clear or turbulent. It may make my progress slow, but I will continue to progress. As the song I'm listening to suggests - "Kauravon ki bheed ho ya Pandavon ka need ho, Jo lad saka hai vohi to mahaan hai." Meaning whether you are on the side of light or the side of darkness, only those who've shown the courage to fight the battle have made a name for themselves. I don't care about whether, in the end, I'm considered mahaan, but at the end of the day, I do want to be seen as someone who never stopped fighting for what he believed to be right. Coz, if one isn't able to do that, then what's the purpose of one's existence. What's the purpose of everyone being different and leading different lives?