Fork in the road?

Sometimes, in life, it feels like time has stopped. Of course, it doesn't in reality, but at times when you're faced with decisions that you feel are too important and they take up majority of your brain's processing power, nothing else feels important and thus the feeling that everything else is now just waiting for you to make you decisions. These kind of decisions that have the power to stop time, are the hardest to make. Not necessarily because they're important in the long run. But because it feels like a lot depends on it.. One wrong move and everything you've built can come down crashing.

Most of the times, I'm agnostic. Today, I don't own a pet. Ask me if I'd rather have a dog or a cat as a pet. The answer : A dog. You give me a cat. I'm fine. I love those too. Most of the times, I'm very sure of myself, that whatever decision I'm making, I have the capability to own & deal with the consequences. Most of the times, I'm able to quickly think through the pros and cons. And based on that, can rationalize and make a logical judgment call. Most of the times.

And then there are the rare scenarios, when I just can't make up my mind. Those are the most torturous times. I spend hours and hours contemplating, talking to people, trying to find that one edge, one difference, one pro or con, that would swing the balance towards one of the options against the other but every time a counterbalance, a counterargument exists. Of course, it doesn't help that my mind is excellent at thinking of worst case scenarios. When such scenarios, are out of your hand, at least you can let it go since it's a variable you can't control. Case in point, when I got married, we applied for my wife's dependent visa. Once she went into the embassy - time had stopped for me. I desperately wished for her to get her visa (which she did), but I also had a thread running in my head about what if she didn't. I didn't have an outcome attached to that thread. And it scared me. And once she came back and told me that her visa was approved - time flowed again. Things were normal.

Today, it's similar. There are so many variables to sort through. So many interdependent variables. So many dominos that are stacked up. And I need to make a decision. And while I can see the consequences of the "happy path" - if everything goes well. I can't fathom my plan of action if something goes wrong. And while it feels time has stopped, as if it's waiting for me to make my decision - it really hasn't.