Leadership & Patience

 So, I've been in the transition phase from being a developer to becoming a leader.  And it has been an eye-opening journey. As a developer, I only had a little appreciation for managers - as evident in my previous blog posts. However, playing that role and starting to think about how top leaders operate, I see why it's such a difficult job.

As a developer, I would look at my emails, identify the tasks, fix bugs, code a story or two, and feel accomplished, like I've done my job because the deliverables were tangible. Looking at the top leadership, the tangible outcomes tend to become far and few. One would end up working for years on an initiative before the outcome. It becomes more about vision and doing the small things the right way. It's akin to planting a mango tree. You're lucky if the tree grows and starts producing fruits, and you're still there to see it, but most of the time, the next generation will enjoy the fruits. However, as the tree starts, keeping it healthy and tending to it to ensure it reaches the mature state where it starts fruition is essential. And that's what leaders provide. They provide the vision with which the trees are planted; they provide the nurturing hand helping them grow; but they may not be around to see the tangible benefits.

And that is the essence of leadership and visionaries. They need to be self-motivated and have tremendous amounts of self-confidence. Because there will be detractors who may not see the benefit. There will be people who would instead plant corn or soy and reap the benefits sooner. The leaders, however, understand that the world needs all those people. The world needs its critics, needs the corn & soy, and needs the trees.

Love thyself

 How important is loving oneself? Narcissism is considered a mental disorder. And the common consensus is that one needs to look at themselves critically to identify the areas of improvement and get better. But when that criticism of self starts eroding one's self-confidence, is it still the path to improvement, or should one take a step back, reflect, and learn to love oneself along with critical analysis of one's actions?

As with most of my recent blogs, this stems from a song I've rediscovered recently. "I'm the best" from the Hindi movie Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani.. It's a song sung by the protagonist and throughout the whole song simply points how the protagonist is the best at everything they do and nobody's better.

I tend to be very critical of myself. I've previously stated that the bar I set for myself is usually much higher than what the others set. That means that in my own opinion, I very rarely am performing even up to the mark. This leads to a lot of insecurities that have developed unconsciously over the years, and I reminisce back to the times when my self-confidence was so high that I never let anyone else impact what I thought was correct. I was called arrogant with a need to be right all the time. But that is who I am. That is who I would like to be. And not without reason - I do tend to put a lot of effort into learning and doing. I still don't think I'm the best at everything I do, but I think with this song playing in my head, I can say I'm better than most at most.

I do not do that for the applause or recognition. At least, I would like to think that I don't. However, in being self-critical, I noticed that I pull myself down a lot, and if others around me are also doing the same, I lose confidence in my ideas and thoughts that actually make me different. All my life, having tried to be different than others, that's counterintuitive and counterproductive. 

One feedback I received last year from my coach was that I need to start appreciating myself as well instead of just being self-reductive. And that's where this song comes in. Weirdly, while I don't agree with the self-pandering in the song, it is very comforting to hear that I'm the best coz that's what we all strive for. Don't we?

So, I would say, be critical of yourself, but love thyself as well. Self confidence is the cornerstone of your individuality. Let it shine as long as it does not come in the way of others. Be a narcissist as long as it enables you to move forward and doesn't hold you back.

Perceptions & Facades

 I've written about perceptions earlier. At the time focusing on how society's perceptions impact how it moves together and builds the moral & ethical code of the time.

Today it's slightly different. I recently saw parts of a hindi movie where the protagonist had created facades around himself building a perception that he was this amazing person who could do no wrong while he himself did not think so. He knew that the view everyone around him had was because of what he shows them - his image and hence was very protective of it.

If you think about it, all of us do this everyday, and do not give it a second thought. Our speech is littered with phrases like putting the game face on, putting a brave face, poker face. Each has it's own scenario to be used in but each represent showing the world a facade that they need to see rather than who you actually are. It is an amazing tool to project confidence in circumstances that aren't conducive, project courage in the face of hopelessness or project what you want to really rather than painting a grim picture.

However, is it the best approach? If you're always smiling people assume you're happy. No one really knows whether you are or not. 

I remember this one experience from college. After our Term 1 exams, I had failed in 1 subject. In fact, more than half of the class had. After we all received the results, I was going about my way in the hostel corridor, being my happy self and a class mate asked me if I had passed. I told him, No - I had failed. For the next 2 mins our conversation was simply around this one fact where he refused to believe me and kept asking me why I wasn't telling him the truth (despite that being the truth). He stopped another classmate who was passing by and verified with him whether I had actually failed. Only after he confirmed that I had indeed failed that exam, did he, grudgingly, accept. And then explained his confusion because he saw me going about my way all merry and happy.

I strongly believe in variables that you can control and variables that you can't. If I can't control a variable - like India winning the world cup - I do not let it emotionally affect me. If I can control a variable, then I work towards building a clear plan and making the changes that I can. That does not mean I do not have emotions. It simply means that I am able to dissociate my emotions with my work. And people find it hard to believe and/or make an assumption (and assertion) in their head which is usually contradictory to what's really going on.

So do you project confidence when you're feeling bad or do you share with everyone that you're feeling bad?

The problem with latter is that people thrive on vibes. If I am down and I project that, I bring the vibe around me down. If I am perky, then I make others feel better - except the ones that want to sulk. But what if those are the people that really matter? Do you sulk with them? Or do you be the happy self, coz really there isn't anything you can do about it. Shh!! Who knows, I may get superpowers in the future and may be able to do everything.. 

Apprehensions

 So, D.H. Lawrence's short story - The Rocking Horse Winner - has been going through my mind for quite some time. I've thought deeply about it once earlier when I was in Louisville. Now is the second time my brain keeps reminding me of that story.

It's an amazing story depicting how unspoken words can turn into anxiety and stress and eat a person from the inside. The beautiful characterization uses a child as the primary protagonist who is a keen observer and undergoes that change. It keeps the narrative pure and engaging. It's a great commentary on how a household runs on vibes. Unspoken words, at times, carry a lot more weight than what people say out loud. It also explores luck - one of my favorite subjects and how the meaning of luck differs for everyone.

A short blog, this is going to be.

What is important, a person's principles or the happiness of who they love? What if the two conflict? What gives?

Random Thoughts

 So, Wheel of Time Season 2 arrived on Amazon Prime this weekend. I caught up on the first 3 episodes, and while I still don't like how they're butchering the books, this is a slight improvement on the mess that was Season 1.

I started thinking about why I didn't like this version. I love the series, but I'm not a hardcore fan of it. Drawing parallels, before Harry Potter and The Order of Phoenix came out, I came across a bunch of fan fiction, and one amongst them stood out. And I still maintain that fan fiction made for a much better story than what JKR eventually told in the actual book. Given that, I am open to minor tinkering in the story.

What I don't like is the character assassination that the series has done. I loved the books because I identified with the characters. I identified with the struggle Rand was going through. I identified with the mischievousness of Mat. I identified with the pure heart Perrin carried. I felt the awe that comes with moving from a smaller city to a metropolis. It gave me a sense of adventure, anticipation, and, most importantly, tools and theories that helped me make sense of the world around me.

I could sense the racial tensions and see how different cities had different affiliations. I could see the scars that old wars left on land and memory. I saw how different interpersonal relationships could pan out and how each decision and each move impacted the larger weave.

And all that is what is missing in the series. I don't identify with any of those characters. In order to make them feel more realistic, new backdrops & stories have been added, which make no sense unless you start thinking of the characters in a completely new light. The big cities don't feel grand. There is no specific culture - just people talking to others. We're shown that Cairhien is a political city because it's specifically mentioned in 1 conversation. Instead of allowing us to make up our minds - we're fed with what the series wants us to think. And that - I've never liked. I grew to like Selene in the books, but there were always indications that something wasn't right. In fact, she's still my favorite of the 13 forsaken - so much so that my D4 character is named after her.

So that's that.

How do you deal with emotional tiredness though? How do you deal when you want to make effort to better a relationship but every time you try, you are knocked back?

Being wrong

 Donald Trump has an amazing quality - he's never wrong. The information given to him could be wrong. The way people understand/misunderstand him could be wrong. The way the media represents him could be wrong. But him - no way.

Over the last two months, I've thought a lot about why I do not trust a majority of Hindu priests and don't really care about going to temples and performing various rituals that can benefit me.

 I've concluded that it's not Hinduism that I don't trust - I maintain it is one of the oldest and most scientific religions (if that can be considered a thing) that's around. From Sanskrit to Maths, to Astrology, Astronomy, to Biology - nearly everything historically was scientifically driven. As with every religion, there are some ugly parts, but that's part of evolution.

It's also not that I don't trust in God. I've written previously that I believe in the existence of a singular power, though my thoughts slightly differ from others on what that is.

So what is it?

And this morning, it dawned on me - it's the fact that I have never seen a Hindu priest perform a ritual for their host's benefit and go to the host and say - "Oops! That wasn't the ritual that was supposed to be performed for your issue; I should've performed a different ritual; let me go fix that". Or "I made an error reading your chart or drawing your chart." Either it turns out to be incorrect information was provided. Or "Oh! That ritual didn't fix your issue, let's try this other more powerful one." Or "Let's try this other ritual that calls for a different deity that may be more relevant to your issue"

It's an approach that's neither science nor art. The utilization of this approach is almost an art, but the practice of it isn't. Science is straightforward. It may posit something today: find out the information is incorrect, recalculations are done, and the result is fine-tuned based on the latest correct information. But scientists admit that they made a mistake. When a rocket blows up, an RCA is done, and we find out which piece of calculation/assumption was responsible for it; we fix it and make the rocket again. I don't hear people go, "Oh! your rocket blew up. Let's try this more powerful fuel that I've always known about but didn't tell you earlier"

Art gives its practitioner creative license - so the sky can be blue, black, grey, brown, pink, yellow, white - whatever you want it to be. But no artist goes, "oh! Black didn't work for you. give me more money, and I'll make it bubblegum pink"

The thing is, mistakes are inevitable. That is what makes us human. Admitting that someone was wrong makes them human and more relatable. I would prefer a doctor who admits to their mistake when they make one, rather than one that passes off their incorrect diagnosis as correct but still changes your medication without telling you the actual reason coz they know their initial diagnosis was right.

Balance

 Everything around us is about balance. There's a Yin to Yang. There's a White to Black. There's a Day to every Night. At different times, one may be strong, but then the other pulls, and things become balanced again.

So why is it so hard for me to get used to it? If I know it and can explain it, then I understand it. If I understand it, why can I not implement it? Why do I feel that I should be able to do more for people around me? Why should they listen to me? Why, when they don't, do I feel bad.

Not everyone has to live their life the same way. People should be able to make their own choices. Why is it, then, when someone makes a choice that you warned them against, you feel bad? Is someone accepting my choice a validation that I am right? Is being right so important to me? Or is it that I don't like to be at a place in the future where people say - he could've done something but didn't. Or is that a future validation that I care about? Should I?

You should live life by your principles. Yet, a lot of decisions are made for you, and you have no involvement in them. You are dependent on other's goodwill. So, when there's an option, do you get others' goodwill or do what you want to do? How do you balance and have a social life with your unsocial temperament? How do you get others' goodwill while remaining sincere? If I do what I do, which I usually do, and someone doesn't like the way I do what I do, should I change the way I do what I do? Or should I ignore them? I know I can listen to their perspective, but what if I don't agree? When we say Agree to Disagree - isn't that just another way of saying, "You have your opinions, I have mine, and neither of them is going to change" So then, has the conflict been resolved? Should all conflicts be resolved? Theoretically, conflicts can serve other purposes - so how do you utilize a conflict while not feeling manipulative? Or is manipulation ok? 

A friend asked me if I keep changing the problem statement, how will I arrive at an answer, and how will he be able to help. He's right. As soon as I find a solution to the problem, either a new one arises or the problem itself changes shape. It's like the following excerpt from H2G2 by Douglas Adams :

“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”

Too many questions today. Never-ending stream... I need to get this out of my head.